Thought of the day 03/20/09

I'm not sure how I feel about Facebook birthday wishes. I have to assume that if most people are like me, they don't really know anyone's birthday until Facebook reminds them. Remembering stuff is for losers anyway.

Twitter, Shakespeare, Seinfeld, and Crack

As some of you may have noticed, I recently broke down and joined Twitter. For a long time, I actively resisted jumping on the bandwagon for no other reason than I didn't want to be so transparently populist. However, once my roommate joined, it took less than two weeks for me to realize just how useful it could be.

I get thoughts throughout the day that are too short and/or bizarre and/or simple to expand upon. That's why I started those thoughts of the day a while back. Once I found out that I could post those thoughts on Twitter from my phone, I got so excited that I peed my pants a little. Unfortunately, I was sitting on a cloth chair at the time, and now my whole room smells like I just ate asparagus.

If I could distill my feelings about Twitter into a single sentence, it would be this: DO NOT JOIN TWITTER. It is the white man's crack. That's why, in the last week, I haven't posted here, I haven't shaved, and I've only gone to the bathroom four times. At first, I thought it was basically just Facebook status updates without any of that cumbersome "usefulness." I couldn't have been more wrong.

You see, Twitter's evil genius is in its 140 character limit. Anything longer than that gets cut off and won't show up in the public timeline (though people can still read it if they click on the ellipses at the end of the post, but honestly, that is just way too much work). It forces you to be more creative whenever you need to edit something down. You have to get rid of all the unnecessary crap, so it trains you to be a more succinct writer.

Also, you can't really communicate more than one thought at a time, so it feels a bit like drive-by blogging. As Polonius famously said in Hamlet, "Brevity is the soul of wit." George Costanza would be the first to observe that Twitter is a wonderful personality showcase. You post and then you're gone. No fuss, no muss, no titles. It's horrendously addicting, and it's almost as fun as hitting old people with shovels.

Another benefit of the character limit is the fact that it makes it easy for even the busiest of people to tweet (yes, that's officially what it's called; I know it's retarded), which means that a whole bunch of celebrities, writers, and comedians use it. You actually feel like you're getting to know some of them, and you can respond to anything they write (no guarantees that they'll read it, though, and they can easily block you if you're a creep or ugly, so don't ruin it for the rest of us, assface).

So that's my explanation for why I haven't written anything in quite a while, and I'm sticking to it.

Once again, DO NOT JOIN TWITTER.

Worldview

I was in the shower when I had a moment of apostrophe. My entire worldview is a result of these three things, in order: classical liberalism, contemporary American Evangelical Christianity (with a healthy dose of Reformation-era French Christianity thrown in for good measure), and television. Yet I consider myself a relatively well adjusted (if a bit glib and cynical) modern man. Ironically, and somewhat disturbingly, when all three of those things are combined anywhere outside my brain, the result is Bibleman, something that everyone reading this blog should either be ashamed of or shocked by.

Into the Future

This last Tuesday was Square Root Day (03/03/09). Evidently, it only occurs nine times per century. As I can't count that high, I suppose I'll have to take Wikipedia's word for it. Anyway, the next Square Root Day lands on April 4, 2016. That's a little over seven years away. For whatever reason, that really got me to thinking about how my life will be different in seven years. I then imagined the following conversation between myself and my daughter, Murgatroid:

Murgatroid: Daddy?

Me: Yes, my little Higgs boson?

Murgatroid: Um... What does that mean?

Me: Never mind. What's up?

Murgatroid: Daddy, the TV's broke.

Me: The TV's broke? How did it spend all its money already? Most of the stores aren't even open this early on Sundays.

Murgatroid: No, Daddy! The TV's broke! It won't turn on.

Me: Oh! Oh... Now I understand. I see. I thought you were telling me the TV was broke, and I'm sure you can see how I'd make that mistake, seeing as how THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID! But now I realize that you were trying to say that the TV is BROKEN. You really need to brush up on your grammar, sweetie, or no one will ever love you.

Murgatroid: What's gremmer?

Me: That's no excuse.

OK, fine, I sincerely doubt I'll have a child who's old enough to speak in seven years. I didn't say a word until I was fourteen.

Thought of the day 03/03/09

While eating sushi on my lunch break from my job at an Apple store, I adjusted my pretentious film school glasses, ran my fingers through my spiked hair, and had the following realization: I am so damn street it hurts.

Friend Zone Lessons

It is truly and honestly amazing how quickly I can wedge myself directly into the Friend Zone. But, rather than complaining about all these lemons I have lying around, I'm gonna make myself a big ol' bathtub full of lemonade. With gin in it.

"But Andrew," you cry, "What possible good could come from this? What wisdom do you really think you could impart to someone like me, who is much less handsome than you are?" Well, first of all, it's rude to interrupt. Second, I admire your candor. And C, I'm going to teach you how to remain in the Friend Zone in hopes that you'll learn from my mistakes.

The most important thing is to never make eye contact for extended periods of time. Prolonged eye contact shows interest and makes you appear more confident. Avoid this at all costs.

Next, whenever you ask a lady friend out, under no circumstances should you actually use the word "date." That way, you keep everything nice and ambiguous, just the way God intended. Offer to pay for everything anyway, which will really confuse her.

The two Cs - compliments and chivalry - are another wonderful way to guarantee a permanent work visa in Friendzonia: population you. Nothing says "non-threatening straight guy friend" quite like a steady stream of compliments and an almost fanatical insistence on opening every door for her. It never goes unnoticed, nor does it go unrewarded (assuming, of course, that the reward you're hoping for is a lifetime of being the guy she always calls to complain about her boyfriend).

Whenever the two of you are at a party or with a group of friends, make sure you never walk or stand anywhere near her. We wouldn't want her to get the crazy idea that we like her, would we, my fellow platonian (yes, I know that's not an actual word, but you have to admit it's pretty kick-ass)?

Every time you say "hello" or "goodbye" or "goodnight" or any of that unnecessary pleasantry crap, remember to half-mumble and shuffle your feet. It'll make you appear wholly disinterested and, frankly, kind of a jerk. This is an easy but important one.

Never, and I mean never, say anything containing the phrase "more than friends." This should be a no-brainer, guys. That expression has a high probability of ruining your ultimate plan of dying alone in a cabin in the woods, clutching a remote control in your right hand and a rolled up TV Guide in your left.

So that's pretty much it. I hope you've benefited from my vast grain silo of wisdom. Follow these simple rules, and you'll be well on your way to that cabin, wondering why Ted Kaczynski and David Koresh weren't more popular guys.