Friend Zone Lessons
It is truly and honestly amazing how quickly I can wedge myself directly into the Friend Zone. But, rather than complaining about all these lemons I have lying around, I'm gonna make myself a big ol' bathtub full of lemonade. With gin in it.
"But Andrew," you cry, "What possible good could come from this? What wisdom do you really think you could impart to someone like me, who is much less handsome than you are?" Well, first of all, it's rude to interrupt. Second, I admire your candor. And C, I'm going to teach you how to remain in the Friend Zone in hopes that you'll learn from my mistakes.
The most important thing is to never make eye contact for extended periods of time. Prolonged eye contact shows interest and makes you appear more confident. Avoid this at all costs.
Next, whenever you ask a lady friend out, under no circumstances should you actually use the word "date." That way, you keep everything nice and ambiguous, just the way God intended. Offer to pay for everything anyway, which will really confuse her.
The two Cs - compliments and chivalry - are another wonderful way to guarantee a permanent work visa in Friendzonia: population you. Nothing says "non-threatening straight guy friend" quite like a steady stream of compliments and an almost fanatical insistence on opening every door for her. It never goes unnoticed, nor does it go unrewarded (assuming, of course, that the reward you're hoping for is a lifetime of being the guy she always calls to complain about her boyfriend).
Whenever the two of you are at a party or with a group of friends, make sure you never walk or stand anywhere near her. We wouldn't want her to get the crazy idea that we like her, would we, my fellow platonian (yes, I know that's not an actual word, but you have to admit it's pretty kick-ass)?
Every time you say "hello" or "goodbye" or "goodnight" or any of that unnecessary pleasantry crap, remember to half-mumble and shuffle your feet. It'll make you appear wholly disinterested and, frankly, kind of a jerk. This is an easy but important one.
Never, and I mean never, say anything containing the phrase "more than friends." This should be a no-brainer, guys. That expression has a high probability of ruining your ultimate plan of dying alone in a cabin in the woods, clutching a remote control in your right hand and a rolled up TV Guide in your left.
So that's pretty much it. I hope you've benefited from my vast grain silo of wisdom. Follow these simple rules, and you'll be well on your way to that cabin, wondering why Ted Kaczynski and David Koresh weren't more popular guys.
"But Andrew," you cry, "What possible good could come from this? What wisdom do you really think you could impart to someone like me, who is much less handsome than you are?" Well, first of all, it's rude to interrupt. Second, I admire your candor. And C, I'm going to teach you how to remain in the Friend Zone in hopes that you'll learn from my mistakes.
The most important thing is to never make eye contact for extended periods of time. Prolonged eye contact shows interest and makes you appear more confident. Avoid this at all costs.
Next, whenever you ask a lady friend out, under no circumstances should you actually use the word "date." That way, you keep everything nice and ambiguous, just the way God intended. Offer to pay for everything anyway, which will really confuse her.
The two Cs - compliments and chivalry - are another wonderful way to guarantee a permanent work visa in Friendzonia: population you. Nothing says "non-threatening straight guy friend" quite like a steady stream of compliments and an almost fanatical insistence on opening every door for her. It never goes unnoticed, nor does it go unrewarded (assuming, of course, that the reward you're hoping for is a lifetime of being the guy she always calls to complain about her boyfriend).
Whenever the two of you are at a party or with a group of friends, make sure you never walk or stand anywhere near her. We wouldn't want her to get the crazy idea that we like her, would we, my fellow platonian (yes, I know that's not an actual word, but you have to admit it's pretty kick-ass)?
Every time you say "hello" or "goodbye" or "goodnight" or any of that unnecessary pleasantry crap, remember to half-mumble and shuffle your feet. It'll make you appear wholly disinterested and, frankly, kind of a jerk. This is an easy but important one.
Never, and I mean never, say anything containing the phrase "more than friends." This should be a no-brainer, guys. That expression has a high probability of ruining your ultimate plan of dying alone in a cabin in the woods, clutching a remote control in your right hand and a rolled up TV Guide in your left.
So that's pretty much it. I hope you've benefited from my vast grain silo of wisdom. Follow these simple rules, and you'll be well on your way to that cabin, wondering why Ted Kaczynski and David Koresh weren't more popular guys.
posted by Vaughan at
5:15 PM
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