You Drive A Tiburon? Oh, So You're An Idiot
I hate, hate, HATE Hyundai Tiburons and the people who drive them. I think they actually get to walk right to the front of the line at Disneyland, as they should, because they've clearly got the intellectual capacity of a small piece of white bread. I was driving home, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, this sweaty, flaming turd of a car comes lumbering up on my bumper. Then, apparently in order to prove his car's performance superiority to my '88 Jeep with snow tires, he barrels around me and then immediately gets off the interstate. Needless to say, I was so impressed with his car's speed, I nearly messed my pants. What's the deal? Apparently, there are guys who say to themselves, "I'd really like a car with high performance and great handling and doesn't look like a two-year-old just pulled it out of his butt. What's this ass-ugly car over here that's dirt-cheap and doesn't have any of those things I previously mentioned? Oh, a Geo Metro? OK, then what's that even uglier car that just lost in a drag race to that Metro? A Tiburon? Great, I'll take it!" Being proud of owning a Tiburon is kinda like being proud of an unusually large nose. It may get the job done, but no one wants to hear about it, and you should hide it whenever you can.
posted by Vaughan at
5:54 PM
3 Comments:
Just breathe. Slowly...deep breaths. I understand you completely. People are always barreling around my little '97 sunfire. Most people shouldn't even be allowed to drive...let alone in the cars that they choose.
Dear Mr. Vaughan:
We here at Hyundai Motor America are very proud of our Tiburon line of automobiles. At a very economic price (around $16,000), the Tiburon is a fun car that provides all the fun of a luxury sports car without the high price tag. Plus, with America's Best Warranty (10 years/100,000 miles powertrain), you can have the piece of mind that your car will always be on the road.
We are so confident of the Tiburon, Mr. Vaughan, that we are more than willing to send you a complimentary Tiburon that you can keep, no strings attached. In fact, we will send you five (5) 2005 Tiburons whether you like it or not. Recent research has discovered that these Tiburons not only are rolling deathtraps, but they are about also as much fun to drive as a constipated mule. The problem is, our insurance company won't let us destroy these liabilities in mass quantities. So, Mr. Vaughan, if you could accept these five (5) Tiburons and quietly sell them for parts, you'll find that, after all five (5) sales, you will be $150 richer for the experience!
So you see, Mr. Vaughan, there is no need to bad mouth the Hyundai Tiburon. The white-trash mall-food-court-gangstas that are seen driving the car give us enough bad press. Please don't pile on!
Sincerely,
Mr. Hyundai
V.P. of Crap Development
Hyundai Motors America
www.hyundaiusa.com
Dear Mr Hyundai,
As Mr "Vaughan's" attorney, I have been asked to tell you that, despite a misleading previous post, Mr Vaughan is, in fact, a large black man. He is well over eight feet tall and regularly bench presses volkswagen bugs filled with ten to twelve small Vietnamese children. He knows Kung Fu and periodically trains as a street fighter in Brazil. He has no fear of prison and will not hesitate to "beat you into an unrecognizable pulp of bloody teeth and hair" if you send him "those crappy cars." He hopes you will not take offense to this, but would also like to make it perfectly clear that he will "take great pleasure in strangling each and every memeber of your entire weak, punk-ass family" if he receives any cars from your "joke of a car company." Thank you.
Blaise "I'm a real lawyer" Gurgemanson
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