Of All Things

With all the crap in the world today, you’d think that the one thing that could bring me out of this weeks-long funk during which I haven’t written a word for this blog would be something like the Democratic coup in Congress, or possibly the ousting of Donald Rumsfeld, or even the disturbing frequency with which I’ve been referred to as an “alcoholic” and a “public nuisance” and a “racist” and a “sack of crap.”

No, my friends, none of those things are the impetus for this particular post. The culprit this time is something far worse. Murder. Every day, I witness at least one attempted murder. The victim in each case is always the same. It’s the English language. How many of you have ever used an apostrophe to pluralize a word? If you have, then you were wrong. I don’t need to know the extenuating circumstances. I don’t need to hear your retarded explanation. It doesn’t matter. It’s always wrong. ALWAYS. Without exception. Tell your friends. Post flyers. Somehow, get the word out that anyone who pluralizes a word with an apostrophe is a moron, and they should be beaten with a sock full of batteries.

Today on MySpace, I saw a written sentence containing the phrase “took some time out from doing remix’s.” I threw up on my computer. The stupidity was so strong, it actually made my delicious lunch from McDonald’s come shooting out of my mouth like a racial epithet shooting out of Michael Richards. The correct way to pluralize “remix” is “remixes.” The correct way to pluralize “CD” is “CDs.” The correct way to pluralize “illiterate jackass” is “illiterate jackasses.” The correct way to deal with the jackassery of unnecessary apostrophes is to beat the offender in the face with a circular saw, and then burn his entire family alive.

Eventually, people are just going to point to things and grunt instead of actually speaking intelligently. I mean, just watch an episode of “Laguna Beach” if you don’t think that’s already beginning to happen. I’ve seen more intelligent and thoughtful conversation on the end of a Q-tip than what those kids say on that mind-numbing show. The next time I see someone pluralize a word with an apostrophe, I’m going to club a seal. In fact, screw the apostrophe thing. Let’s all go club a seal!

First Time For Everything

Three days ago, I was pulled over by a police officer for the first time ever. I was also issued a speeding ticket for the first time ever. I was surprised to find that I cared very little about the ticket, the points, or the fine. Instead, I was super pissed that the cop had stolen thirty minutes I could have spent sleeping. I was driving 44 miles per hour in a posted 30 mph zone. Big frickin' deal. I RUN 30 miles per hour. Anyway, I guess my boobs just aren't big enough to get me off the hook with just a warning. Actually, it was a female cop, so maybe that wouldn't have made much sense. She was super nice. We even joked around a bit. I made her laugh. How many of you people can say THAT? Yeah, that's right. None of you. Turns out I'm getting fined a lot less than I thought I would the first time I ever got caught speeding. $75? I kick $75 in the face. Every day. I've decided I need to actually drive the speed limit, at least in Manitou, for a while. But they're not going to keep me down forever. The minute I've "learned my lesson" because of a little speeding ticket, that's when the terrorists have won, and I, for one, am not about to let that happen. It was a bogus traffic stop, anyway. I didn't know cops can tell how fast you're going when they're driving in the opposite direction. If I'd been aware of that, I'd have slammed on my breaks much earlier. That's unfair. I blame President Bush.