Of All Things
With all the crap in the world today, you’d think that the one thing that could bring me out of this weeks-long funk during which I haven’t written a word for this blog would be something like the Democratic coup in Congress, or possibly the ousting of Donald Rumsfeld, or even the disturbing frequency with which I’ve been referred to as an “alcoholic” and a “public nuisance” and a “racist” and a “sack of crap.”
No, my friends, none of those things are the impetus for this particular post. The culprit this time is something far worse. Murder. Every day, I witness at least one attempted murder. The victim in each case is always the same. It’s the English language. How many of you have ever used an apostrophe to pluralize a word? If you have, then you were wrong. I don’t need to know the extenuating circumstances. I don’t need to hear your retarded explanation. It doesn’t matter. It’s always wrong. ALWAYS. Without exception. Tell your friends. Post flyers. Somehow, get the word out that anyone who pluralizes a word with an apostrophe is a moron, and they should be beaten with a sock full of batteries.
Today on MySpace, I saw a written sentence containing the phrase “took some time out from doing remix’s.” I threw up on my computer. The stupidity was so strong, it actually made my delicious lunch from McDonald’s come shooting out of my mouth like a racial epithet shooting out of Michael Richards. The correct way to pluralize “remix” is “remixes.” The correct way to pluralize “CD” is “CDs.” The correct way to pluralize “illiterate jackass” is “illiterate jackasses.” The correct way to deal with the jackassery of unnecessary apostrophes is to beat the offender in the face with a circular saw, and then burn his entire family alive.
Eventually, people are just going to point to things and grunt instead of actually speaking intelligently. I mean, just watch an episode of “Laguna Beach” if you don’t think that’s already beginning to happen. I’ve seen more intelligent and thoughtful conversation on the end of a Q-tip than what those kids say on that mind-numbing show. The next time I see someone pluralize a word with an apostrophe, I’m going to club a seal. In fact, screw the apostrophe thing. Let’s all go club a seal!
No, my friends, none of those things are the impetus for this particular post. The culprit this time is something far worse. Murder. Every day, I witness at least one attempted murder. The victim in each case is always the same. It’s the English language. How many of you have ever used an apostrophe to pluralize a word? If you have, then you were wrong. I don’t need to know the extenuating circumstances. I don’t need to hear your retarded explanation. It doesn’t matter. It’s always wrong. ALWAYS. Without exception. Tell your friends. Post flyers. Somehow, get the word out that anyone who pluralizes a word with an apostrophe is a moron, and they should be beaten with a sock full of batteries.
Today on MySpace, I saw a written sentence containing the phrase “took some time out from doing remix’s.” I threw up on my computer. The stupidity was so strong, it actually made my delicious lunch from McDonald’s come shooting out of my mouth like a racial epithet shooting out of Michael Richards. The correct way to pluralize “remix” is “remixes.” The correct way to pluralize “CD” is “CDs.” The correct way to pluralize “illiterate jackass” is “illiterate jackasses.” The correct way to deal with the jackassery of unnecessary apostrophes is to beat the offender in the face with a circular saw, and then burn his entire family alive.
Eventually, people are just going to point to things and grunt instead of actually speaking intelligently. I mean, just watch an episode of “Laguna Beach” if you don’t think that’s already beginning to happen. I’ve seen more intelligent and thoughtful conversation on the end of a Q-tip than what those kids say on that mind-numbing show. The next time I see someone pluralize a word with an apostrophe, I’m going to club a seal. In fact, screw the apostrophe thing. Let’s all go club a seal!
posted by Vaughan at
1:10 PM
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