What I'm really thinking while you're talking to me

Most of the time when someone is talking to me, I expend more energy just trying to LOOK like I'm interested in what they're saying than I do actually listening to them. Here's an example of what's probably going through my head while you're talking:

"Wow... His eyes are really close together. I wonder if he's self conscious about it. I would be. It looks like he's a cyclops with a thin layer of skin separating the two halves of his single eye. Looks like he's got kind of a unibrow thing going on. I wonder if he waxes or shaves it. What kind of razor do you use to shave a unibrow? I need to shave. My face itches. I shouldn't scratch again; he'll think I have some sort of nervous tic or something. Uh-oh. He's changed subjects. I'll just nod and smile and furrow my brow. Not too much! He'll know I have no idea what he just said. Don't want to look uninterested. What did I have for lunch today? Did I even eat? Does a cup of coffee count as 'eating'? I wonder who first thought to make a drink out of a bunch of ground up coffee beans. He was probably on drugs. What kind of drugs did they have back then? Opium? Cocaine? Maybe he'd been licking jungle frogs. It would suck to live in the jungle. I think I'd rather die. Hey, that girl over there's kind of cute. Needs to hit the gym a little bit, though. Her muffin top is making me hungry. I really should have eaten something. How fast do eyelashes grow back? Could I pluck all my lashes without tearing up? I should try that sometime. What color underwear am I wearing? My mouth is really dry. It tastes bad. I should lick my lips. But I don't want to look creepy. Maybe he'll be done talking soon. His ears are two different sizes. I wonder if he can hear better through the bigger one. I can't wait to start losing my hair. Having this much hair is awful. It feels like I'm wearing a wool beanie all the time. I wonder where my beanie is. Why do they call them beanies? Were they originally made out of bean containers? That's probably what they use in poorer countries. I really need to do more traveling. When was the last time I was on a plane? I think Clinton was President. How many more days until the election? I want to vote for Christopher Walken. I'd pay a hefty sum for Chris Walken to be my President. I should watch Pulp Fiction again."

The best part is that you probably think I'm kidding.