Thought of the day 08/31/08

In a moment of epiphany earlier today, I realized that the reason I can't watch the movie "Titanic" is because I always find myself siding with Rose's mother.

Bank

This is the reason I avoid banks like Michael J. Fox avoids the board game Operation.

Me: OK, I've gotta ask you something that's been driving me crazy.

Bank Teller: Uh-huh.

Me: How exactly does one 'sign over' a check to another person? I mean, you see it all the time in movies and on TV, but I don't think I've ever actually seen someone in real life sign a check over to someone else.

Bank Teller: Um... Well, the way you could do that is-

Me: I wouldn't want to actually do it. It's not like there's a guy waiting outside with a gun pressed to the forehead of someone I love and saying 'Sign your paycheck over to me, you impossibly attractive sexpot.'

Bank Teller: Uh, yeah... Like I was saying-

Me: I'm just joking about the sexpot thing. I don't think it's very likely that some two-bit thief would bother to compliment me while he was trying to rob me. Is there a way you guys check to see of someone is, like, under duress when they come in and say they want to sign a check over to someone else?

Bank Teller: It's not really like that. Usually, we would just-

Me: Does the other person have to be there when you do it? Or do you just need, like, a photo ID of the person who's actually giving away the money? Or what if it was one twin trying to, you know, extort some money out of the other one? Does someone just write 'Sign over to so-and-so' on the back before they endorse it, or whatever? And what if the person on the receiving end wants to cash it? Would they just have to fill out their own deposit slip whenever they come into the bank?

Bank Teller: Oops! Would you look at the time? I'm late for my lunch break. Have a nice day, sir.

Me (walking away and mumbling under my breath): I could so totally rob this place.

Bank Teller: Um, no you couldn't.

Me: See you soon.

Thought of the day 08/18/08

I'm fascinated by armpit hair. Everyone has it, but it doesn't seem to have any sort of vital importance. It's the Ralph Nader of body hair.

What I'm really thinking while you're talking to me

Most of the time when someone is talking to me, I expend more energy just trying to LOOK like I'm interested in what they're saying than I do actually listening to them. Here's an example of what's probably going through my head while you're talking:

"Wow... His eyes are really close together. I wonder if he's self conscious about it. I would be. It looks like he's a cyclops with a thin layer of skin separating the two halves of his single eye. Looks like he's got kind of a unibrow thing going on. I wonder if he waxes or shaves it. What kind of razor do you use to shave a unibrow? I need to shave. My face itches. I shouldn't scratch again; he'll think I have some sort of nervous tic or something. Uh-oh. He's changed subjects. I'll just nod and smile and furrow my brow. Not too much! He'll know I have no idea what he just said. Don't want to look uninterested. What did I have for lunch today? Did I even eat? Does a cup of coffee count as 'eating'? I wonder who first thought to make a drink out of a bunch of ground up coffee beans. He was probably on drugs. What kind of drugs did they have back then? Opium? Cocaine? Maybe he'd been licking jungle frogs. It would suck to live in the jungle. I think I'd rather die. Hey, that girl over there's kind of cute. Needs to hit the gym a little bit, though. Her muffin top is making me hungry. I really should have eaten something. How fast do eyelashes grow back? Could I pluck all my lashes without tearing up? I should try that sometime. What color underwear am I wearing? My mouth is really dry. It tastes bad. I should lick my lips. But I don't want to look creepy. Maybe he'll be done talking soon. His ears are two different sizes. I wonder if he can hear better through the bigger one. I can't wait to start losing my hair. Having this much hair is awful. It feels like I'm wearing a wool beanie all the time. I wonder where my beanie is. Why do they call them beanies? Were they originally made out of bean containers? That's probably what they use in poorer countries. I really need to do more traveling. When was the last time I was on a plane? I think Clinton was President. How many more days until the election? I want to vote for Christopher Walken. I'd pay a hefty sum for Chris Walken to be my President. I should watch Pulp Fiction again."

The best part is that you probably think I'm kidding.

Thought of the day 08/09/08

I can't pee and chew gum at the same time. When I do, I conflate the two experiences, and it makes me feel like I've got pee in my mouth. It's... unpleasant.

Thought of the day 08/08/08

As much as we like to pretend the Olympics are about international brotherhood and the celebration of world class athleticism and teamwork, most guys, I'm quite sure, will agree with me when I say that I look forward to the summer games every four years for this main reason: It allows me to yell "Go America and screw everybody else!" without fear of reproach. Winning may not be everything, but it's close enough.

Thought of the day 08/02/08

Who has a better sense of humor about themselves, Republicans or Democrats? Five words: "Kelsey Grammer is Sideshow Bob." Yaburnt!