An Actual Exchange

Dumpy Little Customer: Are you the closest store?

Me: Um... Closest to what?

Dumpy Little Customer: To do warranties and shit.

Me: *aneurism*

Thought of the day 11/30/08

Have you ever sat staring at your Facebook news feed for ten minutes or so, and then said aloud to yourself, "Geez, some of my friends have really stupid names"?

Thought of the day 11/23/08

When people are trying to quit everyday habits like smoking or drinking or molesting puppies, it's amazing how often they describe the road to recovery in very violent terms. Phrases like "kick the habit," "beat this thing," "stranglehold on me," and "attack this problem" all took on a disturbing new meaning for me once I started watching the new season of Celebrity Rehab that stars Rodney King. Fortunately for King, though, his stint in rehab is clear proof that he was able to successfully drink away the memory of that night.

Zack and Miri make a chick flick

I just saw Kevin Smith's new film, "Zack and Miri Make a Porno," and I was a bit surprised at how poignant it turned out to be. Smith, whose first film was characterized by jokes about necrophilia and trannies, has managed to make a sweet, heartfelt romantic comedy that happens to be about two friends who are forced by economic woes into making a porno with each other.

Does it make me weird that I still found it touching? Sure, a little, but I'm no weirder than any of the other people who attended the sold-out showing. Is that a sad commentary on my generation's morals, or is it just the newest offering into a rapidly changing and constantly growing subgenre? Is Smith just keeping up with the times, or is it he and his ilk who've changed us?

Perhaps the strangest thing about the whole experience was the fact that I saw several older couples walking out of the theater at the end of the movie. None of them were shaking their heads. None of them were bemoaning the lost cause that is today's youth. None of them seemed to be angry or shocked or indignant. In fact, they all seemed like they'd enjoyed it.

Maybe the classic concept of the romantic comedy is more universal than I'd realized. Maybe real romance can (or perhaps should) grow right out of the steaming pile of monkey turd called modern American life, rather than out of the cold, unfeeling, sterilized petri dish we've so cynically termed the "Hollywood ending." Sure, the movie itself ends with a pretty predictable Hollywood turn, but it's still, as David Mamet would say, simultaneously unexpected and inevitable.

Maybe this all means nothing except that Kevin Smith is rapidly becoming both more marketable and more mature as a filmmmaker. Or maybe it just means I need to stop doing mushrooms before I go to the movies. Either way, I could really go for some sour cream and onion potato chips...

Thought of the day 11/20/08

I often think it would be fun to go into therapy or counseling just to see if I could convincingly fake a psychological disorder. This is nearly the pinnacle of yuppie boredom. Next stop, writing a play about suburban angst.

Big Three

American People: Hey, Big Three, your cars are crap! Honestly, we'd rather drink lighter fluid than even look at a Chevy Malibu. And also, your unions are corrupt, and they're bringing you down from the inside.

Big Three: Fair enough, but you guys totally owe us from decades ago when our cars were decent and we weren't bleeding market share like a stuck pig. Remember the Mustang? We did that.

American People: Who cares? Is a '63 'Stang gonna pay my gas bills? Stop just throwing every retarded idea your designers have against the wall just to see which ones will stick, and come up with cars that we'd actually consider buying!

Big Three: Or, instead of actually making us work toward success like some sort of, like, "company," or whatever, why don't you guys just give us the money to stay afloat so we can support our bloated unions for another year before we collectively declare bankruptcy?

American People: Well, hells yeah, we can do that! Why didn't you say that in the first place?

Heterosexually vain

I recently got into a bit of a discussion with a gay coworker of mine while I was on my lunch break. It included the following exchange.

Me: I prefer the fall because I think I look better in cold-weather clothes than in summer clothes.

Christoph: Why should you care how you look? You're not gay.

Me: Hey, straight guys are allowed to be vain, too.

Christoph: Nope, I'm pretty sure that's our prerogative.

Me: You can't just take that from us.

Christoph: It's done.

Me: Not cool, dude.

Christoph: What do you mean? You only have to attract women.

I can only assume Christoph was implying that men are harder to impress than women. I'm fairly certain that's the gayest thing I've ever heard anyone say.

Two-handed peeing

I walked into the men's room at FlatIron Crossing the other day, and I saw a gentleman standing at a urinal with one of his arms outstretched on the bathroom wall. He looked like he was preparing for a strip-search. At first, I thought he was just yawning or something, but for a good thirty seconds (during which I was unabashedly staring at him), he maintained his Rodney-King-inspired pose. Did I miss a meeting or something? Did a bunch of guys get together and officially decide that's how we're supposed to pee in full view of other dudes from now on? How was he aiming and holding open his fly at the same time? Maybe it's just me, but when you're letting loose with a steady stream of human waste, that's generally a time when I'd suggest using two hands. Driving? Performing brain surgery? Playing basketball? Basket weaving? Clapping? Those can all easily be done with one hand, I assume. But when you're in a public place and there's even the smallest possibility that you might have to walk back out into the mall with your head hung low and your pants stained with your own bright yellow urine (which reminds me: you really need to drink more water), it's not the best idea to treat urination with the same flippancy you'd have toward less important things, like carrying nitroglycerin, choking a burglar, or hugging an orphan. This is pee we're talking about. Have a little respect, buddy.

No math at Harvard

President-Elect Barack Obama: ...We know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime — two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Me: Um, Chris... How long ago were the 1930s?

Chris: Shhh...

Me: I mean, I'm no mathemologist, but I think that's wrong.