Whopper Virgins

With the crippling amount of TV I watch, I've been subjected to Burger King's "Whopper Virgins" ad series so many times that I occasionally slip into delusion and believe that I made them myself. For the eight people online who haven't seen these ads (or "adverts," as I caught Snowden saying recently), the basic premise is that Burger King got a bunch of isolated people "who have never seen a burger; who don't even have a word for burger" to have sex with hamburgers.

But not really. They just had these people try a Whopper and a Big Mac and vote for whichever one they preferred, and while that's decidedly less sexy, the cleanup is much easier. Burger King billed it as "the world's purest taste test." It's not. It's the world's dumbest idea.

Imagine, if you will, a similar test involving movies. What if we got a bunch of people who've never even heard of a motion picture, showed them every single non-indie American film ever made, and then asked them which they preferred? Their answers would vary wildly from "The Great Train Robbery" to "Speed Racer" to "The Kid" to "How is this magic possible, ghost man? Now, please, may I have my hunting stick back? You've cost me a day's worth of food, so now I have to decide which of my children I hate less, and he gets to eat tomorrow."

Or we can try out a slightly less outlandish example. What if we asked a bunch of Mormons to taste hundreds of different types of wine? In the world's purest wine tasting, the winner would inevitably be Mike's Hard Lemonade. Of course, we'd also have to figure out a way to quantify a statement like, "I want you to know something, man. I like you. I know... I know we just met... but I really like you. You're a cool guy. I can't feel my face. Jeez, it's hot in here! Could you do me a solid and hold the room down so it stops spinning and I can walk across the hall and get me another glass of Franzia with ice in it? By the way, BEST DRINK EVAR! *snore*."

The principle is the same in both examples, and it applies directly to the Whopper Virgins test. The testees would have no consensus whatsoever, as they have no basis on which they're supposed to make a decision that would be intelligible to an American who's eaten a burger once a week for forty years.

Would you trust a book review written by someone who only recently learned to read? Would you pick a car based on a recommendation made by someone who can't drive? Of course not. We only think we need experts because, surprise, we do! People who don't know what the hell they're talking about should stay where they belong: teaching at universities.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't mean to denigrate the fine, decent, hard-working indigenous peoples of... wherever. In fact, I kinda feel bad for the poor schlubs who got roped into tasting crappy American food in exchange for a green card that (oops!) got "lost in the mail." But then again, seeing rural foreigners who are too poor to own fancy things like doors or underpants really makes me feel better about myself. I'm gonna go let my hot water run for hours and turn on all the lights in my apartment now.