Chef Tony Is So Totally Not A Chef

I don't know how many people are up at the ungodly hour that this particular infomercial airs, but I'm here to tell you it still doesn't air late enough at night. I am, of course, talking about Chef Tony and his line of "miracle blades." I'd rather bite the curb than watch that fugly pseudo-chef peddle his crappy knives to the sheer delight of nearly tens of coerced and bribed "audience members." My main problem with this guy is the fact that he appears more enthusiastic about his stupid knives with "quick release action points" and "balance control balls" than any human being should be allowed to be over ANYTHING, let alone cutlery. Also, he likes to refer to his product line as the "miracle blade system." What? WHAT!? A system!? It's a line of folded metal, for crying out loud! You, sir, are an idiot. People like you make me wish looks could kill. If I ever see you on the street, make no mistake about it, I will beat your face in with a croquet mallet.* Maybe you guys haven't seen him, so you'll have to take my word on this one. Chef Tony is one of the most annoying personalities on TV, and that includes Star Jones, Tony Danza, and Pheobe from Friends. He gets all up this poor guy's face about how his knives will cut through a freaking brick, and still remain sharp enough to "make that fish jump out of its skin." Who writes this drivel? I'd like to meet the guy who decided that Chef Tony's dialogue could pass for something other than comatose brain activity, so I could kick him in the teeth in front of his bound and gagged family.

And that's all I have to say about that.


*Seriously... I carry around a croquet mallet. Are you willing to risk doubting me?