I Can't Wait To Get Old

Being old is going to be so awesome. I've been looking forward to it for years now. Seriously, what's better than scaring young children and being given a license to do ANYTHING YOU WANT? I can't think of a thing. I saw an elderly couple eating lunch at a Chipotle the other day, and the husband (well, I'm assuming they're married; it's either that or he's the oldest true player in the world) got a water cup from the lady at the cash register and filled it up with Coke, right there in front of her. He's old, what's she gonna do, call the cops? Yessir, being old is going to rock. I plan on getting a reputation in my neighborhood as a crotchety old man. Maybe I'll get a niche thing going with some sort of overarching motif, like snakes. I'll be "crazy snake man." Kids will tell other kids in the neighborhood, "Don't go near crazy snake man's house. He'll feed you to his boa, and no one will ever hear from you again." That'll be awesome. I'm going to spoil my grandkids rotten, which is the job of any grandfather worth his salt, but I'm going to make sure all the kids who live near me pee their pants when my name is mentioned. That's right. Fear the snake man. I'll steal things for the fun of it, like postage stamps, books, freeze-dried coffee beans, Metamucil, cars, and Chinese people. No one will care, 'cause I'm old. I'll have a weekly poker night to which I'll invite all my other crotchety old friends, and we'll tell stories about who just died, who's kids are total screw-ups, and who recently got an artificial what, all over cigars and bourbon. Plus, I won't have to worry about getting haircuts, because I won't have very much of it anyway.