Congratulations On Absolute Mediocrity

I hate it when people celebrate things that really give no reason for celebration. Kids graduated from kindergarten? Wow, they must be the first kids EVER to do so. You get a parade! You've been sober for eight weeks? Great! Here's the key to the city and your own Daihatsu dealership. Just got out of rehab? Well here's your very own made-for-tv special, controlling shares in Kraft, and a truck full of moon pies. It's ridiculous. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who celebrate the most meaningless crap because they think it's, well, not. Oh, you had a healthy baby? Well, since that NEVER happens here in America, I think you deserve a lifetime supply of pork cracklin's and an autographed picture of Jesus. What about those of us who never STARTED doing drugs in the first place? What about the people who aren't sucking on the teat of healthcare with eight little versions of themselves running around? Where's our parade? When's our time? I learned to "just say no" to drugs before I cut my first tooth, for crying out loud. What, just because I have more self-control than a drunk college chick at a kegger, I don't deserve any kind words? Apparently, being good means nothing, unless you used to torture children and birds, then you're a national hero. Is that what I have to do? Kill a few people, and then have a miraculous change of heart in prison? Screw that. I'll never go back to that hell hole. I'll die before you put me back there! Vive La Resitance! ( I don't even know what that means.)