Fine Print

I was driving home from school today, listening to talk radio as usual (it's not really by choice; for some reason, my car radio only gets AM), and I heard an ad that had a list of warnings, rules, and restrictions that was, I kid you not, longer than the actual commercial. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever heard (except when I'd forgotten to use ear plugs before my friend John fired his assault rifle for the first time in my other friend John's front yard). I couldn't believe it. There were more things to clarify than there had been things to initially say. Then it got me thinking about all those drug commercials that have those ridiculous health warnings and qualifiers. You know, "This drug should not be taken by people over the age of forty-five, or under the age of twelve. Women who are pregnant or who may become pregnant should not use this drug. Common side effects included, but were not limited to, vaginal bleeding, ulcers, penile sores, dry mouth, insomnia, Tourette's syndrome, diarrhea, bowel cancer, ugliness, loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of friends, death, and a strange marking that may or may not condemn you to the depths of hell for all eternity. However, some of these side effects were also seen in patients given a placebo." Now, that last part is really the part that scares me. What it means is, if I were given a sugar pill and told it was a miracle anti-sunburn drug, I might actually get some of those horrible symptoms WITHOUT THE BENEFITS OF THE DRUG. Ah, the human mind is an amazing thing.