How To Appear Intelligent
Most of us are in college right now, so I think this is a perfect opportunity to give out a handy little guide to looking intelligent in college classrooms.
1. Arrive late. Some may think that this action will make them appear "apathetic" or "slow" or "a person who does not own an alarm clock." This is not the case. You'll look like, "I'm so smart, I don't even need to be on time to this class, bitch!" That's a good attitude to project.
2. Sit in the back. Similarly to the first rule, it will tell your prof that you've got more important things to do in his class, like text messaging and butt clenches.
3. Wear glasses. I know what I'm talking about. People just randomly walk up to me and ask me things like, "What's the quadratic formula?" and "Do you understand quantum mechanics?" and "How do you make such great looking ceramic horses?" and "Why are you so hot?" and "Can I have your child?" All because I'm wearing glasses. It's great. Sometimes, I even tell them the true meaning of life, but then I take off my glasses and they don't believe me anymore. What the heck was I talking about? Oh...
4. Always recap the prof's previous statement in your own words as if it were a question. Example: "...Thus proving that the honeybee is, in fact, a member of the kingdom Plantae." "So, let me get this straight. So... You're saying that, like, honeybees are, like, members of the kingdom Plantae?" Also, ask the question in a totally beach-bum stoned out voice. Professors will eat it up. THEY LOVE IT.
5. Disagree with your professor. Competition is their bread and butter. Try to do it kinda like this: "...Thus proving that the honeybee is, in fact, a member of the kingdom Plantae." "You're wrong, professor. I hate you and your whole stinkin' operation. You suck! I hope you get stabbed with cancer!" I will guarantee you at least a B+.
6. Only refer to yourself in the third person, preferably with a title: "Sir Andrew the Virile must use the restroom." Stuff like that. Also, only refer to your professor as "Big Fat Turd" or, if you're feeling REALLY smart, "Fugly Jackass."
7. Piss your pants. Hey, what's genius without eccentricity? That's like Girl Scout Thin Mints without a gag-inducing aftertaste.
So there you go. Just follow these simple rules, and you'll be graduating Summa Cum Laude in no time.
1. Arrive late. Some may think that this action will make them appear "apathetic" or "slow" or "a person who does not own an alarm clock." This is not the case. You'll look like, "I'm so smart, I don't even need to be on time to this class, bitch!" That's a good attitude to project.
2. Sit in the back. Similarly to the first rule, it will tell your prof that you've got more important things to do in his class, like text messaging and butt clenches.
3. Wear glasses. I know what I'm talking about. People just randomly walk up to me and ask me things like, "What's the quadratic formula?" and "Do you understand quantum mechanics?" and "How do you make such great looking ceramic horses?" and "Why are you so hot?" and "Can I have your child?" All because I'm wearing glasses. It's great. Sometimes, I even tell them the true meaning of life, but then I take off my glasses and they don't believe me anymore. What the heck was I talking about? Oh...
4. Always recap the prof's previous statement in your own words as if it were a question. Example: "...Thus proving that the honeybee is, in fact, a member of the kingdom Plantae." "So, let me get this straight. So... You're saying that, like, honeybees are, like, members of the kingdom Plantae?" Also, ask the question in a totally beach-bum stoned out voice. Professors will eat it up. THEY LOVE IT.
5. Disagree with your professor. Competition is their bread and butter. Try to do it kinda like this: "...Thus proving that the honeybee is, in fact, a member of the kingdom Plantae." "You're wrong, professor. I hate you and your whole stinkin' operation. You suck! I hope you get stabbed with cancer!" I will guarantee you at least a B+.
6. Only refer to yourself in the third person, preferably with a title: "Sir Andrew the Virile must use the restroom." Stuff like that. Also, only refer to your professor as "Big Fat Turd" or, if you're feeling REALLY smart, "Fugly Jackass."
7. Piss your pants. Hey, what's genius without eccentricity? That's like Girl Scout Thin Mints without a gag-inducing aftertaste.
So there you go. Just follow these simple rules, and you'll be graduating Summa Cum Laude in no time.
posted by Vaughan at
7:19 PM
6 Comments:
Okay,so how bored where you today? Because given this post, I'd say highly bored. On the flip side, I find the list humerous, albeit a little off kilter.
I'm not sure if that was a back-handed insult or a front-handed insult. I sat down at my computer telling myself, "OK, you have to come up with a new post." That's pretty much it. Though, you made me wonder, what do you mean by "off kilter?" Do you simply mean random, or do you mean it seems out of place given my other recent posts?
Random. I'm I sure that is the meaning I was trying to convey. I was a bit under the weather yesterday and am not sure why I alowed myself to post at all. You post is creative. It always seems to take me an infinite amount of time to create lists such as yours and they're rarely as funny.
Well, thank you. I'm sorry you weren't feeling well yesterday.
Dude, I sleep through most of my classes and people still want my help. Apparently sleeping in the back row is a way to appear intelligent.
Sleeping! That's so obvious! I should have thought of that one.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home