The New Hollywood

What if, and stay with me on this one, all the illegal immigrants in California suddenly decided they wanted to have their own country where the official language is Spanish and the official car is the lowrider Chevy S10 (and they were also unaware that there already is such a country, called Mexico), and they revolted against the US and formed their own country, New New Mexico? Well, the capital of American cinema can't be in another country, so they'd naturally have to move all the studios and stuff to another place inside US borders. I'd like to contend that all the movie crap from Hollywood should be moved to Denver. It would be a great location. Just look at all the completely sensible reasons I just made up right now:

1. It's a very clean city. You can count the bums on one hand. You'd just have to have like 30,000 fingers on that hand.

2. There are actually more people in the city who speak English than any other language. Imagine that. And in an AMERICAN city. Huh.

3. Who knows? Maybe skiing can be the new sunbathing. Or possibly the new "being tall."

4. No earthquakes. Always a plus. Instead, Denver has what's called "Lovequakes." Okay, so they don't really have those. BUT THEY SHOULD.

5. It's better than Salt Lake City, Boston, Atlanta, Toleda, St Louis, Sacramento, Austin, Vancouver, and Disneyworld COMBINED. Hey, don't shoot the messenger. It's science.

6. Who ever heard of a Hollywood omlet? NO you haven't, liar.

7. The Rockies kick the Sangre De Cristos' ass. I mean, what's a mountain without snow on top?

8. Could you pass up watching a show called "Access Denver?" I know I couldn't, and I don't watch ANYTHING on tv. Except Seinfeld, Friends, SNL, Reno 911, South Park, The Drew Carrey Show, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Arrested Development, The Office, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, King of the Hill, the news, and anything else, as long as it's on the screen and moving.

9. Denver is way easier to spell. Nine out of ten US citizens would rather live in a city whose name they could spell, and eight out of ten currently live in cities whose names they cannot spell correctly. What? It's a real statistic, I swear.

10. There was never a famous country artist named "John Hollywood." That would just be totally gay.

11. I don't think Barbara Striesand would move to Denver. That, for me, seals the deal. If there were a universe in which Barbara Striesand were dead, I'd find a way to live in it.