I'm At A Disadvantage

I came to a sudden and jarring realization this morning. I just can't win as long as I live in the same town as the stupid Air Force Academy. I mean, all I have going for me is my intelligence, my marginal looks, my sarcastic attitude, and my killer sense of humor. How is that supposed to compete for the attention of college girls against the likes of military men armed with huge amounts of date-rape drugs? Totally unfair. Here I am, trying to compete with cadets, and it's like I'm using a water pistol against their tactical nuclear missiles. Jeez. Stupid rapist cadets. Give a guy a break. (OK, Ray, I know not every guy at the Academy is a rapist. There are some really nice guys who go there. But if I wrote about that, it wouldn't be funny, would it?)