I Wish I Were More Confrontational

I've been accused of not writing about people enough on this blog, so to prove Ashley and Claire wrong, I submit the following:

Yesterday, I was on my way to the Starbucks on North Academy by what used to be Media Play, and I was driving perfectly normally (Ashley can attest to that). I pulled into a parking space, and walked in. Then, behind me, I heard a man's voice say, "Hey, buddy." Since Buddy is not my name, I didn't turn around. Then he said, "Excuse me, buddy." At this, I figured he must be talking to me. "Oh, no," I thought, "It's another guy who's heard of my mad kickboxing skills and has come to challenge me in a fight to the death. All I wanted was a frickin' caramel macchiato." I turned around, and saw a short, stubby man staring back at me. He did not look pleased. He said, "I don't know if you noticed back there, but I was that guy at the stop sign back there, and you came really close back there." Somehow, my intuition had kicked in and told me that whatever I'd done to piss this guy off, I'd done it "back there." Then he said, "I just thought that maybe you weren't paying attention and you came really close back there." Still not knowing what the hell this man was talking about, I responded, "I came close to what?" He said, "To me. I was in that white car in front of you at that stop sign, and you had to slam on your breaks because you weren't paying attention or something." To that, I said, "Well, it's not like I was paying attention to ANYTHING ELSE. I still don't know what you mean." Then he said to me, "Look, I don't want to start up a discussion with you" (I have no idea what that means), "but I just wanted to make you aware that you came awful close back there, and you know if you hit somebody from behind, you're the one who gets a ticket." Thanks for that sage advice, Yoda. It's too bad I have some coffee to drink and a conversation to finish, or else I'd drop what I'm doing and live at your house to study with the stop sign Zen master. Oh, Great Stopping One, lend me a morsel from your infinite wisdom, that I may learn to stop in your image, and that all others’ stopping abilities would pale in comparison to yours reflected in me. I just hope you have enough vacation time, Oh Great One, to take a few days off from your blue collar job driving the Zamboni at the mall. To tell you guys the truth, he looked a little as though he liked being "tapped from behind," if you know what I mean...