Go Home And Die Already

I'm constantly reading and hearing about how the average college student is now a female in her 30's with a child and no husband taking classes part time over the course of five or six years. To that, all I have to say is this: who cares? Does anyone really think that the job market is going to be suddenly choked by all these people who are now designated as "non-traditional students" (instead of what they are: women whose asshole husbands have left them, and they now realize that they cannot support themselves on a job as a part-time waitress at Macaroni Grill)?

I, for one, am not scared of any such thing. I'm not worried about a television show that depicts a college student with that ridiculous description any time soon. I'm not worried about offending the 70-year-old woman in my television programming class who never fails to remind the rest of us that "the majority of college students aren't even in their twenties." Well, lady, not the ones that matter. You're only taking these classes because you can't stand to see yourself dying alone in your Manitou Springs apartment and having your cats pick at your lifeless, unattractive corpse for the next two weeks since you have no friends and no one to miss you. You want to broaden your horizons. You want to edumacate yourself so you can break out from your everyday routine of watching daytime television in your mumu, ordering all your groceries over the phone from your local mom-and-pop feed store, and generally being jealous of all the productive members of society you see driving by your front window as you stuff your disgusting, wrinkled face with Cheetos and estrogen pills.

I couldn't possibly care any less about these "college students." They're inconsequential, ugly, and have very little fashion sense. As far as I'm concerned, they're just part of scenery as I walk to class with the rest of my fellow twentysomethings who are actually going to graduate before the onset of menopause. Why should we cater to this completely irrelevant demographic? Why bother? They're not the big spenders in this country. That label is reserved for males, aged 18-34. Definitely not 45-year-old women taking knitting classes at the local community college and paying their tuition with their monthly child support check. If I see you in one of my classes and you look like you could drive before I was in diapers, I'm going to throw pencils at the back of your head all semester.