Two friends just hangin' out

Bill: Those penniless kids in Africa get all the breaks.

Ruprecht: Um... I'm sorry?

Bill: Those kids in Africa, the ones with the tapeworms and the flies and the mud huts and the AIDS, they're so lucky.

Ruprecht: OK, I'm gonna stand over here now, as it's only a matter of time before you're struck dead by God's vengeful wrath and wrathful vengeance. (looks up at ceiling) Please don't smite me, Lord. I'm just his roommate. And also, he steals.

Bill: Whatevs, dude. It's a legitimate point.

Ruprecht: (laughs) Uh, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that complaining that starving children in Africa are "lucky" is in no way a legitimate point.

Bill: No, but think about it-

Ruprecht: (interrupting) I'd rather not.

Bill: Just let me explain.

Ruprecht: Alright, lay it on me, homeslice.

Bill: "Homeslice"? You're such a nerd.

Ruprecht: Huh?

Bill: What is this? 1994? That's so old.

Ruprecht: It's retro.

Bill: No, it's just old. You sound like an 80-year-old grandmother trying to sound cool in front of her grandson... who is in kindergarten... and is a loser... but still cooler than you.

Ruprecht: I'm bringing it back.

Bill: You're not cool enough to bring anything back.

Ruprecht: At least I didn't say starving African children with broken legs are lucky.

Bill: I never said broken legs.

Ruprecht: I know, but that made it sound better.

Bill: Anyway, ignoring that... It's simple. What kind of people visit Africa?

Ruprecht: Missionaries.

Bill: Besides them.

Ruprecht: British doctors.

Bill: (annoyed) Nice one, Livingstone. Way to make a 130-year-old reference there, dude.

Ruprecht: No, but Livingstone was the doctor. You mean Stanley.

Bill: (extremely annoyed) What are you talking about?

Ruprecht: Stanley. That was the guy who said, "Doctor Livingstone, I presume?" You were talking about Stanley.

Bill: No, idiot, I was talking about Livingstone. You said "British doctors" and I said "Livingstone," who was the doctor.

Ruprecht: Anyway, please continue.

Bill: Celebrities!

Ruprecht: What?

Bill: Celebrities go to Africa all the time.

Ruprecht: So?

Bill: So where do they go?

Ruprecht: I dunno. Didn't Dave Chappelle go to, like, a spa or something?

Bill: No, I don't mean when they go there on vacation. I mean, like, when they go to help kids and give them rice and pretend they care about them.

(pause)

Ruprecht: I guess I'm not following.

Bill: Oh, come one! They get to meet celebrities! And they get free t-shirts! And food! For nothing!

Ruprecht: Yeah, but they're still living in crappy little huts and eating one meal a day, and that's only a bowl of steamed rice anyway, and they're probably oppressed on a daily basis by brutal dictators. How would meeting some hoe-bag like Angelina Jolie help them forget that they live in a state that makes squalor look good by comparison?

Bill: But they're meeting celebrities! Have you ever met a celebrity?

Ruprecht: Well, once I thought I saw Julia Roberts, but then it turned out to be just a kid with Down Syndrome.

Bill: Well, that's kinda the same.

Ruprecht: Not really.

Bill: So, really, if you think about it, those African kids have one up on you.

Ruprecht: So you're saying that because they've met celebrities, they're better than me?

Bill: (incredulous) Um, of course.

Ruprecht: Dude, you're so goin' to hell.

Bill: Yeah, probably.

I’m paying attention, and I’m not outraged. Suck it, hippie.

We’ve all seen those bumper stickers that say “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.” Aside from the fact that the word “not” is underlined for no discernable reason (if anything, “paying attention” should be underlined), I have a couple other beefs with these things.

The first is that it’s not referring to anything at all. Presumably, it’s meant to imply the car owner’s dissatisfaction with the current administration’s policies at home and abroad, but there’s no explicit mention of President Bush, Iraq, gas prices, private healthcare, global warming, or anything else that would piss off a trust fund hippie. In twenty years, no one will know what these bumper stickers mean.

The second is that the doucheface who put that on his car assumes that if people were “paying attention,” no one could say they’re not outraged, which is ludicrous. Maybe I don’t want to pay for some moron smoker’s lung cancer operation or some fat tub’s gastric bypass. Maybe I don’t think it’s unjust for the American military’s Commander-in-Chief to send volunteer soldiers anywhere he damn well pleases. Maybe I’m completely indifferent to my carbon footprint because convenience far outranks sustainability on my list of priorities. Maybe I want to be able to retire on my own instead of relying on an antiquated system that was established as a temporary aid program to lift the dismal US economy out of the Great Depression. How dare you assume I’m anything like you?

You’re outraged, hippie? Then take a shower, get a job, and do something about it. Your bumper sticker has changed exactly zero minds. Did you honestly think someone would read your bumper sticker and completely change his or her beliefs? “Oh, well, if you put it that way… then I’d be stupid not to vote Democrat!” Grow up. If you’re really paying attention as closely as you claim you are, then you’d be willing to concede the fact that right now, somewhere out there, you could find a person who is just as highly educated as you are, and who believes the exact opposite of everything you believe. It’s pretty funny that you claim to be tolerant and then turn around and decry anyone with whom you disagree as ill-informed. Once you can explain that paradox to me, you’ll have my undivided attention. Until then, stick to writing beat poetry and contributing nothing to society.

A man enters a shop

Shopkeep: Afternoon, sir. Anything I can help you find?

Man: Nah. I'm just browsing. I'm thinkin' about buyin' one of those book safes.

Shopkeep: One of those what?

Man: One of those book safes. You know, where it looks like a book, but it's really hollowed out inside, and you can keep, like, cash or booze or a snake bite kit in it?

Shopkeep: Oh, uh, I don't think we have anything like that here.

Man: But this is a Container Store. I know I've seen 'em in other Container Stores.

Shopkeep: Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't a Container Store. It's a Stuff to Put in Your Container Store.

Man: What's that?

Shopkeep: Well, we realized that with the popularity of stores that sell nothing but containers, "Container Stores," if you will, we'd eventually see a need for stuff to put into those containers, and here we are.

Man: That doesn't make any sense. People buy containers to put stuff they already have into them. Why would someone buy a container if they didn't have anything to put in it?

Shopkeep: I repeat: Here we are. If no one needed us, why would we be here?

Man: That's pretty specious reasoning, buddy. What if I'm your first customer ever? How do I know anyone has ever bought a single thing from you at this store?

Shopkeep: Well, it just so happens that you are not our first customer, dillweed. You are, in fact our ninth customer just today.

Man: It's nearly 6 pm. You're about to close.

Shopkeep: It's the off season.

Man: I see. Do you have an on season?

Shopkeep: Of course we do, Mr Smarty von Douchebag. Near the end of the summer.

Man: And why is that? What do you sell, anyway?

Shopkeep: I already told you. Things to put in your containers.

Man: Yeah, but what does that mean?

Shopkeep: We sell trinkets to fill bottom desk drawers, fake hand-made stuff you can say you got on vacation in Cabo, old rec. soccer trophies, worn-looking copies of classic novels you won't bother reading, out-of-style shirts and pants for people with too much room in their closets. You know, crap like that.

Man: I'm sorry. I'm still a little confused. Why in the name of Larry's left testicle would any non-retarded person want to buy stuff that he plans to just throw into the bottom of an unused desk drawer or stuff onto a bookshelf?

Shopkeep: We find that our clients tend to be nerds, Evangelical Christians, college professors, frequent Fark commenters, philosophy majors... you know, mostly people with generally no life of their own. Losers. We also sell stories to go along with everything, so, for example, if someone were to say to you, "Hey, where'd you get this fancy sling shot?" you can respond, "Oh, there's a great story behind that. I was hitchhiking in central Spain. A little blind boy offered to sell it to me for a pack of Juicy Fruit and a hug. I was moved by his plight, but I didn't want to touch him, though; he had lice the size of bigger lice. I threw the gum at him and took the sling shot. And do you know who that boy grew up to be? Aleister Crowley." OK, so maybe it's not a great story, but what do you want from us? We're owned by Carrot Top.

Man: Um, ok... Uh, I'll take three novels and that conch shell with googly eyes glued to it.

Shopkeep: Excellent choice, sir, but if you buy one more novel, we'll throw in a league championship bowling trophy absolutely free.

Man: Oh, why not? I'm not driving.

Shopkeep: There you are. Have a nice day. Tell your friends.

Man: Ha! Don't worry. They're definitely gonna hear about this place.

Shopkeep: And try our sister chain, Dead Things to Put at the Bottom of Your Pool, Inc.

Man: That's a stupid idea. You must think people will buy anything.

*And on an entirely unrelated note, this is the 400th post on The House of Vaughan. Pretty sweet, huh? You're jealous...*

The value of youth

Driving home from Colorado Springs' retarded, inbred version of a "downtown," I passed through a school zone. Naturally, being the forward thinker I am, I sped up. Don't want to run the risk of being identified by any kids you happen to run over, and the best way to insure that is to guarantee you'll crush their brains like a a robin egg under an anvil. The driver in front of me, however, was apparently one of those law-abiding types, and he promptly slowed to 20 mph. Passing the speed limit sign, I saw that it said fines would be doubled inside the school zone. I've seen countless school zone signs, but this is the first time I actually realized that I could be fined double for speeding.

Why on earth would they fine someone double for speeding in a school zone? Are children's lives worth twice those of real people? That doesn't make any sense. I know plenty of kids who deserve to be hit by cars. Is it because the children are our future, and endangering the future is more egregious than endangering a homeless man? If that's the case, then we should be required to aim for children we see crossing the street. Do you really want to entrust the future to someone who's too stupid to look both ways? It's natural selection. Sorry, parents. Maybe you should have taught your children that in the case of car versus kid, car inevitably wins. In fact, I'd feel better about the future if the parents of children who were killed by sober drivers were chemically castrated. Do you know how hard it is to clean blood off your windshield? Why allow them to make the same mistake all over again with their next child?