I’m paying attention, and I’m not outraged. Suck it, hippie.

We’ve all seen those bumper stickers that say “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.” Aside from the fact that the word “not” is underlined for no discernable reason (if anything, “paying attention” should be underlined), I have a couple other beefs with these things.

The first is that it’s not referring to anything at all. Presumably, it’s meant to imply the car owner’s dissatisfaction with the current administration’s policies at home and abroad, but there’s no explicit mention of President Bush, Iraq, gas prices, private healthcare, global warming, or anything else that would piss off a trust fund hippie. In twenty years, no one will know what these bumper stickers mean.

The second is that the doucheface who put that on his car assumes that if people were “paying attention,” no one could say they’re not outraged, which is ludicrous. Maybe I don’t want to pay for some moron smoker’s lung cancer operation or some fat tub’s gastric bypass. Maybe I don’t think it’s unjust for the American military’s Commander-in-Chief to send volunteer soldiers anywhere he damn well pleases. Maybe I’m completely indifferent to my carbon footprint because convenience far outranks sustainability on my list of priorities. Maybe I want to be able to retire on my own instead of relying on an antiquated system that was established as a temporary aid program to lift the dismal US economy out of the Great Depression. How dare you assume I’m anything like you?

You’re outraged, hippie? Then take a shower, get a job, and do something about it. Your bumper sticker has changed exactly zero minds. Did you honestly think someone would read your bumper sticker and completely change his or her beliefs? “Oh, well, if you put it that way… then I’d be stupid not to vote Democrat!” Grow up. If you’re really paying attention as closely as you claim you are, then you’d be willing to concede the fact that right now, somewhere out there, you could find a person who is just as highly educated as you are, and who believes the exact opposite of everything you believe. It’s pretty funny that you claim to be tolerant and then turn around and decry anyone with whom you disagree as ill-informed. Once you can explain that paradox to me, you’ll have my undivided attention. Until then, stick to writing beat poetry and contributing nothing to society.