Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

I was watching TV a couple weeks ago, and I saw an ad for Dewar’s scotch. The gist of the commercial was that people should drink to their hearts’ desire on Dec. 5, which is Repeal Day. That’s the day the 21^st amendment was officially ratified.

I sat staring at the TV for a good minute and a half after that. I couldn’t believe what Dewar’s was suggesting. As if we didn’t have enough excuses to drink already, they want people to “celebrate” repeal day by, of course, drinking.

I’ll admit I enjoy a drink or nine just as much as anyone else. I just don’t understand why some people feel the overwhelming need to excuse their drinking as some sort of celebratory concomitant. What’s the point of that?

People should drink because they want to, and not because they feel as though it’s the only way to celebrate something.

It’s not like we don’t have enough reasons to tie one on without celebrating Repeal Day. Look at all the excuses we have to drink already:

St Patrick’s Day- We drink green beer to celebrate that one time when the patron saint of Ireland drove all the snakes out by luring them with corned beef and cabbage, or whatever.

Independence Day- We drink to celebrate the signing of our Declaration of Independence. This is probably the best example of a holiday during which drinking makes a lot of sense. One of the major complaints our founding fathers had against the British Crown was that they were getting absolutely ravaged by liquor taxes. I guess that means this country was founded more on the principle of cheap booze than on “freedom” or “equality” or any of that non-alcohol-related garbage.

The best part of Independence Day is that it combines two thing things that, when combined, become exponentially more dangerous: liquor and fireworks. God bless America.

Christmas- Happy birthday, Jesus! Sorry I got drunk at your party and threw up on your shoes.

New Year’s Eve- Now we’re basically just drinking because we had a lot of liquor left over from Christmas, and we don’t want any of it to go bad. I’m all about conservation. Otherwise, we’d have to throw the skunked beer out in a couple months. If you care about the environment, you’ll drink this New Year’s Eve.

Weddings- It’s the joining of two families, both of which probably have a couple creepy members. How else are we supposed to get along for three straight hours?

Bar/Bot Mitzvahs- You’re a man! Pass the wine! For whatever reason, Jewish people really know how to have a good time. That’s probably why they were chosen. (On a completely unrelated note, as I write this, Microsoft Word is adamantly suggesting to me that I should change the word “you’re” to “you is.” Apparently, “You is a man” is now a grammatically sound sentence. I think the IT guys decided to save a few bucks by installing the Ebonics version of Microsoft Office on all the campus computers. I keep having to manually delete “Holla atcha boy” after the end of every declarative sentence.)

Fridays- You’ve worked hard all week. You deserve to reward your own diligence by getting completely hammered and waking up in a pool of your own vomit on Saturday morning.

Saturdays- Obviously, you didn’t party hard enough on Friday, lightweight.

Birthday parties- Muffle your anxieties at the fact that you’re one year closer to death by getting belligerently drunk, hitting on one of your coworkers, and falling asleep on top of your cat.

Any and every camping excursion or fishing trip- Why else would anyone do those things?

Baseball games- This is at the top of the list of things that are never interesting sober.

Halloween- Beer is just candy for grownups, except we’ve finally recognized that asking your neighbors for liquor stopped being cute after that second Drunk in Public charge.

I’m sure I’ve left a ton out, but you get the idea. We already have way too many excuses to drink. Besides, celebrating the repeal of an amendment is perhaps the nerdiest thing I’ve ever heard of.