Spider-Man 3

So I went to the midnight showing of "Spider-Man 3" last week. What an interesting experience. You know you're in a theater filled with nerds when the unmistakable odor of sweat and Noxema wafts into your nostrils. There were fat nerds, skinny nerds, long-haired World-of-Warcraft-playing nerds, tall nerds, short nerds, even a couple genuine comic book nerds. It was amazing. I've never seen so many people destined to die virgins in one room before.

Anyway, the movie was fine- nothing to write home about, but better than getting kicked in the crotch... I suppose. There was one thing that bothered me much more in this movie than in the previous two: Tobey Maguire. Why has no one noticed that Tobey Maguire is the worst actor since... sliced bread? Every time his hulking nerd facade showed up on the screen, I just wanted to punch him right in his damn face. And not one of those sissy Spider-Man punches, either. I'm talking about a Bruce Lee punch that would knock him off his feet and render him bald and infertile. And don't think I can't punch that hard. I practice on my Hulk Hogan doll. Good thing those never went out of style.

I saw "Seabiscuit," and Tobey Maguire's acting made me want the horse to lose... not only lose, but break his leg, get shot in the head, and turned into glue. I even went out and bought a huge tub of glue after the movie ended. Tobey Maguire is as manly as Posh Spice and about as tough as I am. Why is he playing a superhero? Was Dakota Fanning already committed to shooting "The Cat in the Hat 2"? Was Abigale Breslin too masculine? Was Mary-Kate Olsen too busy throwing up to audition? If I ever meet Tobey Maguire, I'm gonna throw him off the roof of the Chrysler building, and when he doesn't swing away to safety with his trademark web-slinging action and he slams into the ground like a spring-loaded trashbag filled with Spaghetti-O's, I'm gonna say "Hmmm... I guess not," and then laugh an evil laugh.