Thought of the day 07/30/08

I'd pay good money to see a prom at a deaf and blind school. It must be quite an experience to watch people silently and arrhythmically shuffling back and forth to the sound of the fake music in their own heads. And that's got to be a sweet gig for the DJ.

Thought of the day 07/28/08

While watching an episode of "No Reservations" in which Tony Bourdain and his younger brother visit an incredible looking outdoor grill in the middle of Montevideo, Uruguay, I decided that I want my last words to be "Don't... let anyone... touch my steak."

Thought of the day 07/26/08

While scouring the Internet in search of a very specific techno song over the past eight or nine days, I have come to the shocking realization that techno songs and their myriad remixes have, by far, the stupidest titles in the history of everything. "That was DJ Fart on a Kracker with his newest hit, 'Raped in the Eardrum (Coagulated Blood Spatter Remix)'. Up next, we're burning up the airwaves with a slick new track from DJ Postmortem called 'Lik My Shoes (Uptown Bitch Lightsaber Version)' followed by Milquetoast Groin Pull's classic, 'Acid Zkull (Hot Coffee Enema Remix)'." I suppose such aggressive titles are meant to make up for the fact that the DJs themselves are computer science majors with bacne and eczema.

Thought of the day 07/24/08

While being subjected to a commercial for Extenze, a product that purports to induce a certain kind of "male enhancement," I couldn't help but notice that the lady trying to be all sultry and alluring in front of the camera was supremely unattractive. Aside from the fact that I'm not a total creep to begin with, that alone would be enough to keep me from ever trying that product. "Extenze: It gets you ugly women!" I suppose that might appeal to someone like Matthew Broderick...

Thought of the day 07/22/08

Sometimes I secretly wish I'd been born Jewish. If that were the case, I'd replace the first syllable in many words with the word "Jew." Examples: Jewtastic, Jewtopia, Jewniverse, Jewriffic, Jewbulous, Jewcredible, Jewsochistic, etc.

Thought of the day 07/20/08

No matter what he says or how much he pretends to be an everyman, I can't get rid of the sneaking suspicion that Barack Obama is, in fact, Steve Urkel.

Thought of the day 07/18/08

According to a recent study, 72% of men said they would intervene if they witnessed what appeared to be a sexual assault in progress. A lot of feminists seem to think that number's not high enough. But let's think about it for a second. If two men see the same sexual assault, that's, like, a 144% chance that they'll intervene. I'm no mathemologist or whatever, but I like those odds.

Number 1

Mel: Welp, I'm gonna go stab the lizard.

Rory: Huh?

Mel: I said I'm gonna stab the lizard.

Rory: I have no idea what that means.

Mel: You know... go peepee.

Rory: That doesn't make any sense. I think you mean 'BLEED the lizard.'

Mel: What'd I say?

Rory: 'STAB the lizard.'

Mel: What's the difference?

Rory: Um... One's the usual way to say it, and the other makes you sound like a herpetologist who's also a complete idiot.

Mel: I don't know what that word means, so I'm going to assume it was an insult.

Rory: You may have just proven my point. But anyway, why do you want to stab ANYTHING? There should be no stabbing of any kind. Stabbing in that particular area is bad.

Mel: But why would you say bleed? If you're bleeding while you're peeing, then maybe you should see a doctor. Or at least start wearing adult diapers.

Rory: But if you stab something, what's gonna come out besides blood? Blood's involved in the metaphor either way.

Mel: Then why don't you just let me say it how I want and get off my back?

Rory: Because when you say it like that, you sound like a special ed child trying to read James Joyce's "Ulysses" through a kaleidoscope.

Mel: Harsh, dude... harsh. And by the way, thanks for distracting me. I think I just peed my pants.

Rory: Always here to help. Besides, maybe that'll teach you to stop peeing on the seat.

Thought of the day 07/16/08

"Never drink camel spit - it'll burn your throat like acid." I remember a kid named Anthony I knew from school saying that to me many years ago. I can think of probably thirty reasons why I would never be stupid enough to drink camel spit, and "it burns" isn't anywhere near the top ten, let alone the single reason I'd give someone else. But my real question is this: How on earth did he know that?

Thought of the day 07/14/08

In the Zapruder film, Jackie Kennedy can be clearly seen reaching behind her newly-perforated husband, presumably to pick up a piece of brain or skull that Johnny had been careless enough to leave behind. What exactly could she have been thinking at that moment? "Oh no! Now we'll never get our deposit back!"

Runner up: "Five second rule!"

Thought of the day 07/12/2008

There's one thing everyone with Down Syndrome has in common (other than the Down Syndrome, of course). What is it about the 21st chromosome that keeps people from knowing they have chapped lips?

The Terrible Improviser

Teacher: OK, today in class we're going to do something a little different. Instead of teaching you like I'm being paid to do, I'm going to bring up two students who will improvise a scene, and after it's over, I will barely tie it in with what we've been talking about for the past few weeks.

Class: (completely apathetic silence)

Teacher: Um... LaShawnda and... Bernard. Why don't you two improvise a scene for us?

LaShawnda: What's the scene about?

Teacher: Whatever you want. It's all improvised.

LaShawnda: Yeah, but you have to give us some kind of basis for the scene. We have to know where we're starting. How exactly is this going to teach us anything about Aristotelian rhetoric?

Teacher: Less complain-y; more improvise-y.

LaShawnda: Whatever.

(They begin their improvised "scene")

LaShawnda: Hey, um... (pregnant pause) Bill.

Bernard: Hey.

LaShawnda: Yeah, hey, um... Oh my gosh! Is that your car on fire?!

Bernard: Nope. Must be someone else's.

LaShanda (taken aback): Oh, OK. Uh... How'd you do on that test?

Bernard: I didn't take the test. I was home sick.

LaShawnda: Sorry to hear that.

Bernard: Don't be. I was faking.

LaShawnda: Oh. Alright. Hey, is that a new haircut?

Bernard: I'm wearing a hat.

LaShawnda: Oh, of course you are. My mistake. I couldn't see very well because of the glare from the setting sun.

Bernard: It's morning.

LaShawnda: Ah, yes. Silly me. I'm from California, where the sun sets over the water. Clearly, being on the east coast, the sun is rising over the Atlantic Ocean.

Bernard: We're in Oregon.

LaShawnda: Well, anyone can see that. I was just testing you. After that head injury, I just wanted to make sure you still know where you are.

Bernard: It was a foot injury.

LaShawnda (becoming visibly annoyed): I'm pretty sure it was a head injury.

Bernard: I think I would know.

LaShawnda: Not if it was a head injury.

(pause)

Bernard: Touche. Well played.

LaShawnda: How about that Superbowl last week? Quite a game, huh?

Bernard: It's November.

LaShawnda: Yes... I mean... how about those... um... Olympics?

Bernard: It's not an Olympic year.

LaShawnda: I mean the ones coming up.

Bernard: I don't have a TV.

LaShawnda: You don't hear about the Olympics from other people?

Bernard: I don't like sports.

LaShawnda (completely exasperated): Well, what DO you like?

Bernard: String... folding my socks... playing with my pet rock... going to church.

LaShawnda: Oh, so you're religious?

Bernard: Nope.

LaShawnda: Then why do you go to church?

Bernard: That's where my band practices.

LaShawnda: You're in a band? That's pretty cool.

Bernard: No, I'm the manager.

LaShawnda: Why do you make your band practice in a church?

Bernard: It's just a church building. It's been abandoned for years.

LaShawnda: But why did you call it 'going to church'?

Bernard: What else should I call it?

(LaShawnda is trembling with rage, and she runs out of the classroom.)

Bernard: That's not the exit!

LaShawnda: Shut the hell up!

Teacher: OK, wasn't that fun?

Robots

Jim-Bob: You know those robots that build the cars in factories?

Jimbo: Uh... Yeah.

Jim-Bob: Who builds them?

Jimbo: I... would imagine other robots.

Jim-Bob: OK, but who builds those robots then?

Jimbo: Um, again, I think I'm gonna have to go with other robots.

Jim-Bob: Then why don't we save ourselves a whole lot of time and energy and use THOSE robots to build the cars?

(long pause)

Jimbo: Tonight, soon after you fall asleep, prepare to be stabbed in the chest.