The Terrible Improviser

Teacher: OK, today in class we're going to do something a little different. Instead of teaching you like I'm being paid to do, I'm going to bring up two students who will improvise a scene, and after it's over, I will barely tie it in with what we've been talking about for the past few weeks.

Class: (completely apathetic silence)

Teacher: Um... LaShawnda and... Bernard. Why don't you two improvise a scene for us?

LaShawnda: What's the scene about?

Teacher: Whatever you want. It's all improvised.

LaShawnda: Yeah, but you have to give us some kind of basis for the scene. We have to know where we're starting. How exactly is this going to teach us anything about Aristotelian rhetoric?

Teacher: Less complain-y; more improvise-y.

LaShawnda: Whatever.

(They begin their improvised "scene")

LaShawnda: Hey, um... (pregnant pause) Bill.

Bernard: Hey.

LaShawnda: Yeah, hey, um... Oh my gosh! Is that your car on fire?!

Bernard: Nope. Must be someone else's.

LaShanda (taken aback): Oh, OK. Uh... How'd you do on that test?

Bernard: I didn't take the test. I was home sick.

LaShawnda: Sorry to hear that.

Bernard: Don't be. I was faking.

LaShawnda: Oh. Alright. Hey, is that a new haircut?

Bernard: I'm wearing a hat.

LaShawnda: Oh, of course you are. My mistake. I couldn't see very well because of the glare from the setting sun.

Bernard: It's morning.

LaShawnda: Ah, yes. Silly me. I'm from California, where the sun sets over the water. Clearly, being on the east coast, the sun is rising over the Atlantic Ocean.

Bernard: We're in Oregon.

LaShawnda: Well, anyone can see that. I was just testing you. After that head injury, I just wanted to make sure you still know where you are.

Bernard: It was a foot injury.

LaShawnda (becoming visibly annoyed): I'm pretty sure it was a head injury.

Bernard: I think I would know.

LaShawnda: Not if it was a head injury.

(pause)

Bernard: Touche. Well played.

LaShawnda: How about that Superbowl last week? Quite a game, huh?

Bernard: It's November.

LaShawnda: Yes... I mean... how about those... um... Olympics?

Bernard: It's not an Olympic year.

LaShawnda: I mean the ones coming up.

Bernard: I don't have a TV.

LaShawnda: You don't hear about the Olympics from other people?

Bernard: I don't like sports.

LaShawnda (completely exasperated): Well, what DO you like?

Bernard: String... folding my socks... playing with my pet rock... going to church.

LaShawnda: Oh, so you're religious?

Bernard: Nope.

LaShawnda: Then why do you go to church?

Bernard: That's where my band practices.

LaShawnda: You're in a band? That's pretty cool.

Bernard: No, I'm the manager.

LaShawnda: Why do you make your band practice in a church?

Bernard: It's just a church building. It's been abandoned for years.

LaShawnda: But why did you call it 'going to church'?

Bernard: What else should I call it?

(LaShawnda is trembling with rage, and she runs out of the classroom.)

Bernard: That's not the exit!

LaShawnda: Shut the hell up!

Teacher: OK, wasn't that fun?