Thought of the day 02/27/09

I just read this in my notebook, and I honestly have no recollection of ever writing it: "I really wish you'd stop humping my bedroom door while I'm asleep."

Thought of the day 02/21/09

That girl in the Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Enchilada commercials is, to borrow a phrase, "so hot she melted the elastic in my undapants."

This is how I think

David: You know, it seems like the name Adolph should be more popular than it is.

Me: Yeah, I honestly believe that. I mean, anyone who has a reason to hate that name is already dead.

"Ooooooohhh, I'm-a gonna go to hell when I die..."

Thought of the day 02/19/09

Every time I use a Q-tip, I feel a little bit guilty. A part of me dies inside. I mean, somewhere out there in the vast reaches of space and desert and more desert, there's probably a little bloated Somalian boy who would would positively love to eat the Q-tip. *single tear*

If it hadn't been for that stupid plane crash

This would be a much bigger story. Read the article, watch the video, and come back. I'll be waiting.

Back so soon? Alrighty then. Let's get started. AAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... gasp... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... cough! That may be the single funniest thing I've ever seen. "What's financially?" Ha! This kid kills me.

Oh, what was that, Alfie? You're gonna be a good dad? You're gonna feed her an' take care of her an' stuff? I'm sorry, it's just a little hard to hear you over the sound of your undescended testicles.

What? You're gonna have to speak up, young man. Will you be this reticent the first time you have to scold or punish little Maisie? Kids'll jump down your throat if you don't show 'em who's boss. But I'm sure you remember that from your own childhood, way back on Monday.

I guess the best part is knowing that your daughter will be able to wear her mom's hand-me-downs long before they go out of style. Shopping for kids' clothes is such a pain in the prepubescent ass.

You also gave yourself a nice little perk in that you now have a legitimate excuse to stay home from school whenever the hell you want. Wait, I guess it's more likely that you'll either have to drop out completely and/or let your baby mama's parents do most of the raising. That's a pretty sweet gig, now that I think about it. You don't want some little ankle biter bringing you down in your prime burger-flipping days. Diapers ain't free.

And I know you're still on an emotional high right now, what with all the rainbow kisses and butterfly dreams that comprise the first few days of a new parent's life, but I feel the need to point out that babies tend to poop, pee, and drool on EVERYTHING, so it's a really good thing your parents kept those rubber sheets from that bed-wetting phase you went through last month.

Good for you, by the way, for actually wanting to be there for your child's birth, even though, as your dad so eloquently pointed out, you could have "sat at home on [your] Playstation." I'm happy and quite impressed to learn that you were able to overcome all your naivete, inexperience, and immaturity with the simple act of not playing video games for a couple days. Obviously, your dad's almost as smart as you are.

To close, may I offer my sincerest congratulations on getting with an older chick. Bones. Bones all around.

Valentimes... and Baby Dropping

Why is it so hard for most people to pronounce the word "Valentine" correctly? Not that it matters a whole lot, as it's pretty much a made-up holiday to begin with. But it's the principle of the thing. It's just as bad as when people say "Feb-yoo-ary," which, much like "Valentimes," is not a word.

I love language. I love how flexible modern American English is. I don't love the fact that its flexibility can be abused by people who, in a just world, would have been thrown off a cliff as babies.

I know that sounds harsh, but it's much better than throwing them off a cliff as adults (mostly because grown-ups tend to have a nasty habit of vocally disagreeing with people who think they should be dead; thanks a lot, public school system). Babies have soft heads, so their deaths would not only be instant, but also funny as hell.

Somehow, I feel like I got off track in this post.

Cognitive Surplus

I spent the majority of my lunch hour today trying to figure out all the ways that someone could use the phrase "That's so phallic it hurts" in casual conversation. Most of them involved prison and soap-dropping. That's really the type of thing that occupies my mind whenever I'm awake, even though I'm supposed to be "working" or whatever. I'm not sure if that makes me weird, crazy, or some sort of absent-minded genius. Though I suppose none of those options are fundamentally exclusive concerning the other two.

If I could somehow tap into that cognitive surplus, I think it would be safe to say, without veering too close to hyperbole, that I could solve all the world's problems, undo reality with a single thought, say "chubby bunny" with over nine hundred marshmallows in my mouth, and finally understand why anyone gives a crap about Tyler Perry. Why can't I use this brain power for something good, or at the very least, neutral? Does everyone else waste that much time and effort on something equally as meaningless? Is it at all ironic that I wrote a blog post that will be read by approximately four and a half people on this subject? Maybe the world is actually a safer place because of my inability to focus on anything of importance whatsoever.

Or maybe that half-assed justification is the only thing keeping me from going completely insane. Either way, I doubt I can stop.

Thought of the day 02/07/09

Was there really that big a gap between the invention of bread and the idea for slicing it? I find it hard to believe that the guy who invented bread didn't invent sliced bread about ten minutes later. Was it actually that big a deal for someone to say, "Hey guys, why don't we cut this new bread thing into manageable, edible pieces instead of tearing it apart like a pack of ravenous, poorly fed street urchins?" I submit that it was not.

Thought of the day 02/05/09

Why is poop called "stool"? Who's pooping on stools? And why are they not being openly mocked and punched? Or is it retarded people? If that's the case, then they need to be punched harder.

But seriously, you're an "idiot"

I think grammar Nazis and real people alike can appreciate this blog. Tangentially, do you think the term "grammar Nazi" is more offensive to grammar Nazis or to Jews? What about regular Nazis? They're always pissed off about something...

Thought of the day 02/01/09

With so many people bringing up the Superbowl, I couldn't help but make this observation. Our national pastime hasn't been baseball in a really long time. Baseball is for math fetishists and queens. Football isn't our national pastime either, even though it's infinitely more enjoyable to watch, and (unlike baseball) it can't be played by a one-armed, comatose monkey that's being simultaneously tasered and raped. No, our national pastime isn't even a sport. It's talking about how homoerotic football is. It's funny, though, that most of the people who say that don't do so within earshot of someone who actually plays football, as they know they would be beaten like Joe Eszterhas at a feminist rally.