Bad Lessons From Primetime Television

I was just watching an episode of "Home Improvement" in which Mark, the youngest child, has a heart-to-heart talk with his mother, Jill, about why all the other kids in school call him a dork. Now, I know it's just a show, but for the sake of brevity, I'm going to be writing from this fictional example as if it were real. Jill tells Mark that the other kids call him a dork "because they think that'll make them cool." She then proceeds to explain to him that he'll really be cool if he's just himself. Puh-lease! Gimme a break. I mean, seriously, what twelve-year-old kid is going to believe that load of crap? "Really, mom, even though I still pee my pants in sixth grade and sleep with a security blanket and only watch Disney animated films and I get beat on and made fun of every day by not only my peers but my teachers as well, I'm still cool because I'm me?" Come on, mothers, give your kids a fighting chance. You know who decides if someone is cool? Everybody! Your coolness is constantly on trial in the court of public opinion, whether you know it (or like it) or not. Sorry, nerd, that's just the way it is. Grow up, get some clothes that fit right, and stop playing Magic: The Gathering in your basement. Seriously, there are these guys who always "hang out" in the engineering building at UCCS, playing Magic: The Gathering in a big circle-jerk of nerddome. They're all talking to each other in the common language of dork. They say things, WITH ALL THE SERIOUSNESS IN THE WORLD, like, "My dragon's totally impervious to your white magic power, you retard!" and "I'm stocking up on stone and fire. There's no way your orc will bring my hit points down enough to pose a real threat!" Stuff like that. And the best part is, they say it to each other as if they were talking foreign policy in a DOD joint chiefs meeting. Guess what, dorks: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE VIRGINS. And that's all I have to say about that.