New Year's Resolutions
Since I really have little motivation to change, I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I do, however, wish that some OTHER people would vow to change, so what I have here is a list of resolutions for other people:
1. The French: Get a pair.
2. Paris Hilton: Please, PLEASE go away.
3. Michael Jackson's Fans: Give it up, people. He was never really THAT good anyway.
4. Emo People: Either pick preppy or goth. Don't do both so half-assed. If God doesn't permit being lukewarm, why should a short-lived faux-deep style be any more forgiving?
5. Ashlee Simpson: First, stop spelling your name that way. Second, just come out and admit that you lip-sync. Your fate couldn't be any worse than that of Milli-Vanilli.
6. VH1: Stop doing those stupid list/ranking shows. No one cares about "the top 240 actors named John Stamos who WEREN'T on 'Full House.'"
7. Hockey Fans: Again, give it up. The ideas of athleticism, strategy in sports, and "not being a completely stupid game" went right out the window with the invention of hockey.
8. Nerds: Just stop being nerds. That whole "trading card games are cool" thing is frankly beginning to get quite sad. It's all fun and games until you realize you've never held a girl's hand.
9. Liberals: Hang yourselves.
10. Fat People: Stop eating. You know your problem isn't glandular. Just promise you'll only eat once a week. Then, you might actually become a productive member of society that contributes more than carbon dioxide and heat.
11. Hollywood: Stop with the happy endings. "A Series Of Unfortunate Events" came close, but I want more. Life doesn't always work out the way you'd like it to. In fact, I have yet to see something work out the way I'd like it to... EVER.
12. Jay Leno: Start being funny. I know you've got killer stand-up, but wouldn't it be nice to go out after actually having made a couple people laugh at something on the show? Just a thought.
13. According To Jim: Please, PLEASE get cancelled.
14. My Old High School: Start focusing on academics, or you'll be graduating entire classes of people who'll have to wear a name tag to work for the rest of their lives.
15. Reality TV: Change your name. It's just not working out. It's not me, it's you.
16. Mexicans: Stay in you own damn country. If you don't like it there and it's full of Mexicans, then maybe the problem isn't the water, if you know what I mean, so why would we take you?
17. People From The Midwest: Stay there. We don't like your kind here in REAL AMERICA. You see, here, we speak English. It's a drinking fountain, not a bubbler. It's either soda or pop, but not the specific term "coke" used to describe all sodas or pops in general. Oh, and White Castle makes the worst burgers I've ever had.
18. Mormons: Pull your heads out of your butts. I've seen made-up cults on sitcoms that make more sense than your screwy religion. Even Buddhism would be a more realistic choice. Though, who am I to impugn the great and wise teachings of a half-baked teenager who tripped over a rock in the forest?
1. The French: Get a pair.
2. Paris Hilton: Please, PLEASE go away.
3. Michael Jackson's Fans: Give it up, people. He was never really THAT good anyway.
4. Emo People: Either pick preppy or goth. Don't do both so half-assed. If God doesn't permit being lukewarm, why should a short-lived faux-deep style be any more forgiving?
5. Ashlee Simpson: First, stop spelling your name that way. Second, just come out and admit that you lip-sync. Your fate couldn't be any worse than that of Milli-Vanilli.
6. VH1: Stop doing those stupid list/ranking shows. No one cares about "the top 240 actors named John Stamos who WEREN'T on 'Full House.'"
7. Hockey Fans: Again, give it up. The ideas of athleticism, strategy in sports, and "not being a completely stupid game" went right out the window with the invention of hockey.
8. Nerds: Just stop being nerds. That whole "trading card games are cool" thing is frankly beginning to get quite sad. It's all fun and games until you realize you've never held a girl's hand.
9. Liberals: Hang yourselves.
10. Fat People: Stop eating. You know your problem isn't glandular. Just promise you'll only eat once a week. Then, you might actually become a productive member of society that contributes more than carbon dioxide and heat.
11. Hollywood: Stop with the happy endings. "A Series Of Unfortunate Events" came close, but I want more. Life doesn't always work out the way you'd like it to. In fact, I have yet to see something work out the way I'd like it to... EVER.
12. Jay Leno: Start being funny. I know you've got killer stand-up, but wouldn't it be nice to go out after actually having made a couple people laugh at something on the show? Just a thought.
13. According To Jim: Please, PLEASE get cancelled.
14. My Old High School: Start focusing on academics, or you'll be graduating entire classes of people who'll have to wear a name tag to work for the rest of their lives.
15. Reality TV: Change your name. It's just not working out. It's not me, it's you.
16. Mexicans: Stay in you own damn country. If you don't like it there and it's full of Mexicans, then maybe the problem isn't the water, if you know what I mean, so why would we take you?
17. People From The Midwest: Stay there. We don't like your kind here in REAL AMERICA. You see, here, we speak English. It's a drinking fountain, not a bubbler. It's either soda or pop, but not the specific term "coke" used to describe all sodas or pops in general. Oh, and White Castle makes the worst burgers I've ever had.
18. Mormons: Pull your heads out of your butts. I've seen made-up cults on sitcoms that make more sense than your screwy religion. Even Buddhism would be a more realistic choice. Though, who am I to impugn the great and wise teachings of a half-baked teenager who tripped over a rock in the forest?
posted by Vaughan at
7:10 PM
13 Comments:
Your (our) old high school is turning into a friggin reform school. Pretty soon the intelligent white boys that go there, such as you and I, are going to be the minority. The diploma used to mean something until they started handing it out to the J.D.'s and Landon's of the world.
Ouch. Geez, stab and twist on the Emo thing, Andrew. Jackass ;) As for the VH1 specials, I have to admit, they are my guilty pleasure. I like hockey - so shut up. I somewhat agree with the rest of the list...especially about our former, poor excuse of a high school.
Well, Anon, that's where I believe we differ. I don't think the diploma EVER meant anything. I've never heard the high school referred to as an academic powerhouse.
Sorry, Kristi, I had to do it. If it's any consolation, pretty much everything on the list was put there because I had something funny to say about it. Well, for the most part ;)
Trust me it WAS a good school. Until Dr. D, that flippin bastard, took over.
Hi Andrew, you commented on my blog "Tinmen Don't Dance" over a month ago and I've just now decided to get back in the swing of things. I just wanted to say thanks for the compliment and your blog is very funny. No, hialrious. And extremely well written. I love your style.
"Hockey Fans: ... went right out the window with the invention of hockey." - Only if it was invented before soccer, bowling, golf, badmitton and a whole host of others...it may well have been - I didn't put forth the time or effort to look it up. But if not, soccer definately takes the cake.
Three things:
OK, Anon, Dr D is making the school BETTER. He's focusing it on academics. That's what I wanted, so that's better. The other superintendents wanted to focus on "Christian education," whatever that means. No, Dorenzo is the best thing that has ever happened to CSCS.
Yeah, you're right, soccer WOULD take the cake... that is, if it fit the descriptors I gave for hockey AT ALL. However, it does not. ESPN recently ranked over 100 separate sports for like seven or eight different categories, and soccer was in the top ten for all but two. Hockey wasn't even close.
Thanks for the compliment, Averie Joy. Wow, I'd almost forgotten about that.
Dorenzo is the antichrist. You do realize he has actually manipulated the board so much that he cannot be fired (I'm not making this up, he completely changed around the power structure so that he controls everything). The guy also got his administrative job through coaching. Coaching is all he ever did before CSCS hired him as superintendent. All he cares about is athletics, especially basketball. He just happens to dress well and be very charismatic. Yes, the administration has sucked, but they never created a "Vision 2010(or whatever the heck year he picked)" in order to pad their resimes. Trust me, I know this stuff. He's the one who made every teacher in the school read "The Prayer of Jabez." The school doesn't even interview new students anymore, not since he became superintendent. For him it is honestly all about his resime and the trophy case.
He pretty much single-handedly created the college prep program at the school, so I don't think I could possibly care any less whether he can get fired or not. Also, it's r-e-s-u-m-e with a u.
Andrew, where did you get the comment about the prescription underwear? I laughed till I cried.
--TOGWCCYS
RE: your list. I grew up in the Midwest. When it comes to soft drinks, Kansas City area folks say pop. Chicago and St. Louis area folks say soda. The word "Coke" used generically to mean "carbonated beverage" is more of a southern thing, not a midwestern thing.
Other than that, I agree with most of your list.
But why not comment on all the Californians and Texans who move to Colorado and bring their foreign, non-Colorado ways with them?
The underwear thing is a combination of something a friend said one day and a little something I added to it.
I can't comment about the Californians moving to Colorado because I'm one of them.
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