Stop Naming Kids Names That Aren't Names (Or Names That Just Suck)

Finneas? Are you kidding me!? Why would Julia Roberts do that to her child? I've noticed a disturbing trend in Hollywood: actors and actresses who apparently hate their children. They name their kids things like "Apple," "Ocean," and "Sullivan." What's wrong with you people? Don't you realize that these kids are eventually going to have to go to school (since most celebrities couldn't homeschool a pumpkin)? When they get to school, they are going to get ridiculed without mercy. They might as well name their kids "Punch me in the face," because that's what's going to happen anyway. What ever happened to parents naming their kids actual names like Michael or Nathan or Michelle or James or Jennifer? Those were the good old days. Now, the hot new thing is to use your children to broaden your own career by getting you a little more facetime on tv. "This just in: Milla Jovovich named her new baby boy 'Carburetor,' after a scene in her upcoming film, 'Hot Wheels: The Movie,' which features, among other things, a giant carburetor." It's getting ridiculous. There should be some law that prohibits people in America from naming their children anything that's not in The Big Book of Children's Names. I would even volunteer to enforce it. I'd just walk up to them with a wet towel and start snapping away until they agree to change the name.