Ya Think?

I was listening to the Richard Randall show on the radio this morning (he's a local guy with his own morning talk show), and someone called in with a statistic that was so earth-shatteringly brilliant, so remarkably abstruse, so confusingly erudite, so boldly intelligent, and so touchingly poignant that I almost threw up out of sheer joy. Unfortunately, this man had deluded himself into thinking that he mattered in the world, and that his opinions were more substantial and relevant than some guy giving a treatise on horse enemas. He was wrong on both counts.

He said, "You know, statistically, there is a larger percentage of white trash in this country than any... other.. kind of trash." This man is so stupid, my eye started twitching, and I think blood came trickling out of my ears. What are these "other" kinds of trash about which this man was speaking? Black trash? Hispanic trash? Asian trash? Gay trash? Well golly gee-whiz, mister. Why is that? Could it be the fact that there are more white people in America than Hispanic people or black people or Asian people? No no no, my young apprentice... That would be far too obvious.

The other part I loved was his inclusion of the word "statistically," which, as we all know, makes anything dumb people say sound slightly smarter. You know, like, "Statistically, there are more men than women in the NFL," or "Statistically speaking, you're more likely to use your front door than you are to never leave your house again."

I had to open up my car window just to let some of the stupid out. It was choking me.