Oh Yeah? Well, I'll Ban YOUR MOM'S Words!
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just been handed an urgent message from Lake Superior State University. This is obviously a very prestigious institution of higher education that more than eight people have heard of. Otherwise, why would they put out a press release? I mean, if they were some little nothing university in the heart of Crapville, Middle America, why would they think they could possibly make a difference, or, for that matter, not be considered a total joke? It is for this reason that I am pretending that they are, in fact, a reputable university. That would actually make the rest of this post even better. Apparently, the all-knowing geniuses that comprise the linguistics department at this major university want us to know that they’re angry. They’re furious at the American people for uttering words without the expressed, written consent of the aforementioned visionaries. Every new year, evidently, this group at the university publishes a list of “banned words” that they no longer wish to see in the following year. It’s a list of, basically, the most popular words and phrases from the previous trip around the calendar. In essence, this is a group of people who see the world changing, and, instead of trying to catch up, decide to whine like nine-year-old girls until they get their pathetic way. What follows is a defense of the “banned words” that, despite the enormous efforts of a few crusty old men in a glorified community college, will not be banned.
Erectile Dysfunction: Their accusation is that it was overused by Viagra and Levitra ads. Wait just a minute, you thumb-sucking assheads. Neither Viagra nor Levitra has even used the phrase “erectile dysfunction” in their ads for several years. You’re just a few pop culture generations behind on that one, morons.
Wardrobe Malfunction: No one even says this one anymore, you idiots! Maybe you should have put it on your list of “banned words from the first two weeks of February, 2004.”
You’re Fired: Apparently, the “intellectual elite” of this country actually believes that Donald Trump was, in fact, the very first human ever to fire someone by saying, “You’re fired.” Previously, the only phrases used to terminate employment were, “I’m sleeping with your wife, and clean out your desk” and, “Dave! I can’t believe it! You just won the lottery! Well, I guess you don’t need to work here anymore. Just kidding… but only about the lottery.”
Carbs: Apparently, from what I’ve uncovered, they weren’t just talking about the word for this one. No, they actually went one step further. You heard it here first, people. Lake Superior State University has officially banned carbohydrates. Apparently, “being able to move and also not getting osteoporosis or scurvy” isn’t high on their priorities list.
And there you go. A list of unbanned banned words. Oh, and one more thing. I had thought, for most of my life, that it was the duty of higher-ups in academia to contribute the most to society. As Ben Franklin once said, “Intelligence without education is like silver in the mine.” (Apparently gold had not yet been discovered in the early nineteenth century.) I think the phrase, “Educated intelligence that is not put to proper use is like silver that is used to make really tough straws that can be machine-washed and reused over and over again” Goes hand-in-hand with good ol’ Ben Franklin’s axiom. If this is what these guys are spending their time doing, then I think I’m going to start looking to Hollywood to provide me with a decent role model. I’m sure Will Ferrell could use a protégé.
Erectile Dysfunction: Their accusation is that it was overused by Viagra and Levitra ads. Wait just a minute, you thumb-sucking assheads. Neither Viagra nor Levitra has even used the phrase “erectile dysfunction” in their ads for several years. You’re just a few pop culture generations behind on that one, morons.
Wardrobe Malfunction: No one even says this one anymore, you idiots! Maybe you should have put it on your list of “banned words from the first two weeks of February, 2004.”
You’re Fired: Apparently, the “intellectual elite” of this country actually believes that Donald Trump was, in fact, the very first human ever to fire someone by saying, “You’re fired.” Previously, the only phrases used to terminate employment were, “I’m sleeping with your wife, and clean out your desk” and, “Dave! I can’t believe it! You just won the lottery! Well, I guess you don’t need to work here anymore. Just kidding… but only about the lottery.”
Carbs: Apparently, from what I’ve uncovered, they weren’t just talking about the word for this one. No, they actually went one step further. You heard it here first, people. Lake Superior State University has officially banned carbohydrates. Apparently, “being able to move and also not getting osteoporosis or scurvy” isn’t high on their priorities list.
And there you go. A list of unbanned banned words. Oh, and one more thing. I had thought, for most of my life, that it was the duty of higher-ups in academia to contribute the most to society. As Ben Franklin once said, “Intelligence without education is like silver in the mine.” (Apparently gold had not yet been discovered in the early nineteenth century.) I think the phrase, “Educated intelligence that is not put to proper use is like silver that is used to make really tough straws that can be machine-washed and reused over and over again” Goes hand-in-hand with good ol’ Ben Franklin’s axiom. If this is what these guys are spending their time doing, then I think I’m going to start looking to Hollywood to provide me with a decent role model. I’m sure Will Ferrell could use a protégé.
posted by Vaughan at
1:06 AM
8 Comments:
Andrew, another brilliantly charming post. I particularly loved the "You're Fired" observations. I liked it so much that for every minute spent chuckling, I clicked one of your ad links. Consider that my downpayment on your future.
Much obliged, John, much obliged.
while we're at it, let's ban all but one of these: Black, african-american, negro. Oh, also weather "person", flight attendant, and everything else invented for the political correctness of not being gender-specific.
Clarification: I included flight attendant because I have never met a male flight attendant of whom stewardess didn't fit.
I second the vote to ban tolerance.
But, if we ban "black," "negro," and "African-American," we're left with nothing but slurs. You know: moon critter, porch monkey, jigaboo, nigger, etc. Not a pretty world to live in.
I agree that "flight attendant" is a ridiculous term. As long as I have the ability to speak, there will always be someone who still calls them "stewardesses." Mark my words.
What's wrong with slurs? I don't care what name you want to call me. I guarantee it's better than caucasian.
I don't think I could care any less if someone ever called me a whitey or a cracker. Doesn't really matter.
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