10,000 Baby!

No, that's not "10,000 babies!" Why would I write that? I don't even like babies. They're just grumpy old men trapped in cute little packages. Seriously; they can't walk, talk, bathe, feed themselves, or go to the bathroom. Sounds like an old man to me. Anyways... Movin' on. Yesterday, the lifetime hit count on this blog rose to over 10,000. That's right. In just about seven months, I've had more than 10,000 separate hits! Sweet! It makes me proud that there are so many people out there who just happened to stumble on this site. Well, either that, or I have about nine friends who do nothing but read my blog. I'm guessing it's a moderate combination of both. It's obvious you people need to get out more. So, I've decided to put together a list of things that are a much better use of your time:

1. Lighting tennis balls on fire. It may seem kinda stupid, but trying to actually play a game with flaming tennis balls is pretty sweet.

2. Watching lots and lots of tv. There's no telling the wealth of knowledge that awaits you. It's all just a few remote clicks away. You can learn how to cook a delicious meal in thirty minutes, discover the possibility of building a bridge across the Atlantic, watch undereducated "repressed" ethnic minorities repeat crappy lyrics to a tribal beat, catch reruns of thirty-year-old sitcoms... The possibilities are endless.

3. Go swimming. Swimming rocks. It rocks so much, I'm not even going to write anymore about it. I'm going swimming.

4. Read a book. There are tons of great books out there. Some of the ones that don't have pictures are OK, too.

5. Play croquet. Quite an underrated game.

6. Go tanning. There's no quicker way to get sexified.

7. Take a cue from Kevin McCallister. Build traps in your house from everyday common household items. Who knows? Maybe Joe Pesci will show up in your neighborhood looking for trouble. He hasn't been in a decent film in quite a while...

8. Paint an abstract sef-portrait. Translation: just splash some paint around on an empty canvas. You could probably get some jackass blue-stater to pay you thousands of dollars for it.

9. Invent your very own branch of martial arts. If you write a book about it, you'll be getting royalties from those right-wing survivalists up in Michigan for the rest of your fat, happy life.

10. Invent something. I'm sure there are a few more applications of duct tape those idiots haven't found yet.

11. Write a poem. Or a play. Or a short story. Anything. Maybe even start your own blog. I tell ya, it's quite a catharsis. Well, that is, if you actually know people are reading it.