Bill Of Rights
It seems that "women's rights" is quite a controversial topic in America today. I'm sure that right now, somewhere in a blue state, there's some woman who's fighting the good fight, trying to get women their Gaia-given rights. Well, to save her the time, I've decided to write up my very own Women's Bill of Rights (ladies, you're welcome):
1. All women have the right to emasculate ANY man, at ANY time, in ANY location. (Due to the negative connotation carried by the word "emasculate," and coupled with the wholly accurate nature of its use here, this first right will be henceforth known as "empowerment.")
2. All women have the right to work away from the home just as long as their husbands. (Let's face it, it'll actually end up being a blessing to just bring home KFC every night. You know, because eventually, the extra cost you would have normally incurred with medical and dental bills, clothing, food, and college, can go toward a vacation in Aruba after your morbidly obese child dies of a heart attack at his ninth birthday party.)
3. All women have the right to completely exclude all men from any decision involving the design or layout of a room or house. (This is a natural right, given the fact that all men have no sense of design, as demonstrated by such dreck as the Sistine Chapel, the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, Michelangelo's David, the Colosseum, St Peter's Basilica, and the Grand Canyon (Because God is obviously a man). Terrible. Just terrible.)
4. All women have the right to accuse any man of sexual harassment. (Obviously, men are the only one of the two parts of the sexual union necessary for procreation who actually have any sort of impulse to have sex. Women, on the other hand, are simply doing their duty to the Party.)
5. All women have the right to hit all men. (Clearly, since men didn't cry at "The Notebook," they have no central nervous system to speak of. Hit away, sister.)
And there you go. Just a few of the natural rights of what generally considers itself to be the greatest gender in the history of all bipedal mammals.
1. All women have the right to emasculate ANY man, at ANY time, in ANY location. (Due to the negative connotation carried by the word "emasculate," and coupled with the wholly accurate nature of its use here, this first right will be henceforth known as "empowerment.")
2. All women have the right to work away from the home just as long as their husbands. (Let's face it, it'll actually end up being a blessing to just bring home KFC every night. You know, because eventually, the extra cost you would have normally incurred with medical and dental bills, clothing, food, and college, can go toward a vacation in Aruba after your morbidly obese child dies of a heart attack at his ninth birthday party.)
3. All women have the right to completely exclude all men from any decision involving the design or layout of a room or house. (This is a natural right, given the fact that all men have no sense of design, as demonstrated by such dreck as the Sistine Chapel, the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, Michelangelo's David, the Colosseum, St Peter's Basilica, and the Grand Canyon (Because God is obviously a man). Terrible. Just terrible.)
4. All women have the right to accuse any man of sexual harassment. (Obviously, men are the only one of the two parts of the sexual union necessary for procreation who actually have any sort of impulse to have sex. Women, on the other hand, are simply doing their duty to the Party.)
5. All women have the right to hit all men. (Clearly, since men didn't cry at "The Notebook," they have no central nervous system to speak of. Hit away, sister.)
And there you go. Just a few of the natural rights of what generally considers itself to be the greatest gender in the history of all bipedal mammals.
posted by Vaughan at
7:38 PM
5 Comments:
Well, thanks, Taylor.
Remind me... what do we Y-chromosomes get out of this deal?
6. All women have the right to always blaim all their irrational and irratic behavior on their cycle (seven days of pms and seven days of menstruation require another seven days to recover resulting in just one week where women should have no excuses before it starts all over again, and clearly guys have no idea when this one week happens to occur. So go ahead girls, blaim it on your cycle.)
And yes, that was one of the finest posts you have ever conceived.
Well, John, I guess if you really want me to, I could write a Men's Bill of Rights, but I think it would end up being pretty un-funny.
It just keeps getting worse and worse for us doesn't it?
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