They're Two Separate People!

I can't stand those gay-ass one-word names the stupid media give to celebrity couples. "Bennifer" was bad enough, but now we've got "Bradgelina," and I'm sure some public-school-educated scumbag is working up a new one for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. You know, like "Tolmes" or "Totie" or "Houise" or "Karuise." Those stupid names make me so angry I just want to kill a baby. I refuse to suckle at the teat of American pop culture any longer. If we're so full of ourselves that we can't even spend the time to say two people's names separately, I hope napalm falls from the sky, completely vaporizing everyone and everything that currently resides in Hollywood. Why do you care so much about who Brad Pitt is dating? I'm asking you, because I'm quite certain it's not me who's feeding the media this tripe about people giving two craps about which celebrity's car ran out of gas on PCH. I anti-care. The minute I hear news about some crappy celebrity, I promptly take a pencil, sharpen it, and shove it in my ear. Why? Well, if I have to be in that much pain, I'm going to do it to myself. It's not that I have anything against celebrities, really. I mean, they've actually started supporting a new legal crackdown on ruthless papparazzi's behavior. They can't help it if Dan McSchmuckface of Crapwater, Arkansas really cares that Lindsay Lohan has dropped fourteen sizes in eleven days. So, the burden is on us, the public. If we stand together and tell the entertainment news industry that we'd rather eat our own left feet than hear another word about "Cruiolmes," then maybe we'll start getting attention on what we really care about: get-rich-quick real estate schemes and MLM vitamin companies. God bless America!

And don't even get me started on Scientology. More on that later...