New Year's Resolutions

Everyone needs to change (except me; I'm practically perfect in every way you've heard of, and even some you haven't). That's why we have resolutions to start off a new year. Personally, I think the whole thing is retarded. I set goals for myself all the time. I don't need a new year to get me to do that. If you depend on the promise of an entire year to goof off before trying to meet your goals to motivate you to actually get up off your fat ass and stop smoking and eat less meat, then you are a sad little person, and I have pity on your ugly, neglected children. Anyway, I thought that just for kicks I'd make up a list of resolutions that other people should probably have. And no, January 4th is NOT too late for this.

1. Michael Jackson: Only rape latchkey kids.

2. The Jews: Finally develop a sense of humor about the Holocaust, you whiney babies.

3. The Producers at VH1: Stop making "I Love the..." series. Enough is enough. Nobody loves an entire decade that much.

4. The NHL: Just give up already.

5. People who voted for John Kerry: Get out the Goof-Off and peel that sticker off your car.

6. Fat People: Give up on the diet and just kill yourself. You're wasting precious oxygen.

7. Kirsten Dunst: Call me.

8. Any women at all: (see above)

9. Metrosexuals: Come out of the closet. You're not fooling anyone.

10. Tom Cruise: (see above)

11. Jesus Hippies: Take off the hemp bracelet, come back from your YWAM trip, stop going to New Life, get a job, wear shirts that fit (or at least socks), get out of my way at Chipotle, and develop an awareness of other people.

12. The French: Maybe try sticking up for yourselves for once? And stop with all the cheese. We get it.