To My Neighbors

To all you people who think I don't notice when you look at me with those disdainful eyes when I walk out to my car at 3 in the afternoon in my pajamas, to all you jerks who drive down the middle of the street and then honk at ME when I play chicken with you, to all you morons who set up motion-sensing floodlights all around your house because we live in such a "sketchy" and dangerous whitebread neighborhood, to all you whiney parents who put up those signs that say "slow: children at play" because your children are too stupid or blind or crippled to get out of the way of a car driving 45 mph, to all you idiots who put up basketball hoops on wheels with no anchor whatsoever and then get all confused when a 70-mile-an-hour gust of wind knocks it over and bends the hoop, to all you girl-scout-cookie-selling mothers who do the work for your daughters who are just sitting in the car yelling "Mom, can we GO NOW?", to all you people who park on the street and then are shocked to wake up one morning to find a huge dent in your car from when it go hit by a guy who apparently thought streets were for driving and not parking, to the lady who won't shut her damn dogs up, to the families with kids who think the whole neighborhood is their own private driveway, to that jackass a few houses down from us who drives his little remote-controlled car in the middle of the street: I just wanted to let you all know that when I have enough money to hire fancy lawyers who'll get me off the hook by playing the race card, I'm going to personally hunt each one of you down and tear your bodies to pieces with a pair of needle-nose pliers. Then I'm going to burn down the homes of every single one of your family members and bankrupt the businesses where all your friends work. Have a nice day.