A Handy Guide To The Movies
A trip to the movie theater brings out both the best and the worst in humanity. Here's a simple guide to proper etiquette at the cineplex.
First, when you arrive in the actual theater for you movie, save any and all seats you think you may need without using any sort of jacket or purse to mark off your territory. Then, when people inevitably take "your" seats, be furious with them. (I recently had this particular maneuver done on me at a midday showing of "The Incredibles." This woman, who was clearly coherent enough to be brought out in public, had apparently literally run into the theater ahead of several families and "saved" an entire row of seats simply by "calling" them like a third-grader. Ma'am, if you're out there, I apologize for my presumption that you were not allowed to do that.)
Secondly, if you end up in a sold out show and one of the theater workers has to make the requisite announcement that everyone needs to move toward the middle of the rows, take advantage of the opportunity to show everyone else in the theater how clever you are. When he first says, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?" this is the perfect time to try out one of those classic (not to mention original and quite hilarious) one-liners like, "No." or "Hi! How's the weather down there?" People love to hear witty things like that, and I can assure you, we never tire of them.
Thirdly, during the movie, please... I repeat, PLEASE keep your cell phone on. We all know how important you are as the temporary international sales consutant for Pillsbury, and we want to know whenever you get a call. Oh, that reminds me, NEVER leave the theater to answer your phone. We can see that $9.00 movie anytime, but NOW, we want to hear how your sitter is doing with the kids. Which brings me to...
Fourthly (I don't think that's a word), if you have children who are of crying age, I insist that you bring them. Savor your time with your kids. Don't waste a second. If that means you have to put up with a perfect stranger threatening you with a fatal beating for not "shutting up that damn kid," then so be it. It's his loss for not doing it enough with his own children.
Well, I guess those are the important ones. Just follow all these simple guidelines, and you can rest assured that you're doing everything by the book.
(Oh, as a small amendment, I feel I must add this: The person sitting next to you ALWAYS wants to hear you whisper the title of the movie for which you are watching a preview. Nothing irks me more than hearing complete silence from everyone in the room when I'm trying to watch a movie.)
First, when you arrive in the actual theater for you movie, save any and all seats you think you may need without using any sort of jacket or purse to mark off your territory. Then, when people inevitably take "your" seats, be furious with them. (I recently had this particular maneuver done on me at a midday showing of "The Incredibles." This woman, who was clearly coherent enough to be brought out in public, had apparently literally run into the theater ahead of several families and "saved" an entire row of seats simply by "calling" them like a third-grader. Ma'am, if you're out there, I apologize for my presumption that you were not allowed to do that.)
Secondly, if you end up in a sold out show and one of the theater workers has to make the requisite announcement that everyone needs to move toward the middle of the rows, take advantage of the opportunity to show everyone else in the theater how clever you are. When he first says, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?" this is the perfect time to try out one of those classic (not to mention original and quite hilarious) one-liners like, "No." or "Hi! How's the weather down there?" People love to hear witty things like that, and I can assure you, we never tire of them.
Thirdly, during the movie, please... I repeat, PLEASE keep your cell phone on. We all know how important you are as the temporary international sales consutant for Pillsbury, and we want to know whenever you get a call. Oh, that reminds me, NEVER leave the theater to answer your phone. We can see that $9.00 movie anytime, but NOW, we want to hear how your sitter is doing with the kids. Which brings me to...
Fourthly (I don't think that's a word), if you have children who are of crying age, I insist that you bring them. Savor your time with your kids. Don't waste a second. If that means you have to put up with a perfect stranger threatening you with a fatal beating for not "shutting up that damn kid," then so be it. It's his loss for not doing it enough with his own children.
Well, I guess those are the important ones. Just follow all these simple guidelines, and you can rest assured that you're doing everything by the book.
(Oh, as a small amendment, I feel I must add this: The person sitting next to you ALWAYS wants to hear you whisper the title of the movie for which you are watching a preview. Nothing irks me more than hearing complete silence from everyone in the room when I'm trying to watch a movie.)
posted by Vaughan at
11:05 PM
2 Comments:
Andrew, another marvelous post.
The lesson I learned from your thoughts? Don't read the House of Vaughan in class. I quite literally had to close the browser window half-way through reading this entry because I was busting up with laughter, while a prof droned on about the intricacies of something-Asian-or-other. That means you did your job.
Hilarious. Concise. Creative. Eloquent.
I love it.
Always glad to know I'm appreciated.
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