Kids Are Stupid
As I eagerly anticipate the holidays, today was important because the highly regarded Consumer Product Safety Commission released a report of recalled toys this holiday season because they were dangerous to a handful of dim-witted infants.
My favorite recalled toy this year is a Nerf football. Nerf. Ok, the name comes from the greek word “squishy ball” But somehow the ball contains some hard plastic where there have been 10 reported cases of facial cuts that “required medical attention”. Which kid is catching a football with their face? Maybe if you follow the instructions of “catch” this wouldn’t be a problem. So to the dismay of several parents around the country, they have now realized they are not raising the next Jerry Rice.
And I’d like to know which kid is throwing the ball with such velocity to slice skin? Let the Baylor football recruitment committee know immediately.
Another item is that 140,000 Allen Iverson toddler’s athletic shoes were recalled because of ONE situation where a hungry infant decided to peel off the Iverson logo and eat it. So it was recalled due to the choking hazard. Once again, aren’t these parents a little over eager if they are buying their toddler designer shoewear? Iverson shoes? Toddler’s have enough trouble walking without falling on their face, are basketball shoes really the answer? And if you feed your child they will not have to resort to eating their apparel.
The Batman Batmobile, a toy that I had as a kid was recalled due to the rear tail wings which are made of plastic. Authorities say this poses a lac-er-a-tion hazard or a puncture problem. Please!! It makes me wonder how they test for these things. Are kids placed in a room with random toys, and monitored to see who gets injured first? Is it just chaos? Isn’t the goal to have fun playing with toys? I just don’t understand.
But I’ll bet it starts when the kid takes a football in the face, another kid chokes on his shoelace from the disbelief of seeing a great shot. In the meantime batman didn’t check his blind spot while backing up too fast.
All in all there were 11 toy-related deaths in 2003 according to USA TODAY. And I believe these tragic situations adhere to my natural selection theory. I know it may be cruel and heartless to believe that because these unfortunate infants kicked the bucket prematurely. But let me read you the formal definition of natural selection. “A natural process resulting in the evolution of organisms best adapted to the environment.” If your child cannot adapt to a controlled environment with toys intended for entertainment. Maybe your child isn’t suited for this whole “life” thing. Hey, no one is good at everything, right? So if your child cannot discover that everything is not food “naturally”, or you can’t adapt to avoid that toddler with an arm, maybe you should help us serve as a statistic and helping other kids not have toys for Christmas.
OK, it's Andrew again. I think this little problem falls under the same category as M.A.D.D. or "Mothers Against Drunk Driving." I think it would be more accurately described as "Mothers of Children Who Don't Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street." I also hate those stupid signs that look like a little glow-in-the-dark child that remind people of the speed limit in their own neighborhood. They practically declare to the world that they are parents who allow their children to play IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Keep an eye on your kids, stupid, and don't get all weepy on me when your child jumps in front of a school bus and gets killed because someone "didn't see the little plastic sign." Watch your own kids and take responsibility for your actions. I promise to AIM FOR YOUR KIDS if I ever see them on the road.
My favorite recalled toy this year is a Nerf football. Nerf. Ok, the name comes from the greek word “squishy ball” But somehow the ball contains some hard plastic where there have been 10 reported cases of facial cuts that “required medical attention”. Which kid is catching a football with their face? Maybe if you follow the instructions of “catch” this wouldn’t be a problem. So to the dismay of several parents around the country, they have now realized they are not raising the next Jerry Rice.
And I’d like to know which kid is throwing the ball with such velocity to slice skin? Let the Baylor football recruitment committee know immediately.
Another item is that 140,000 Allen Iverson toddler’s athletic shoes were recalled because of ONE situation where a hungry infant decided to peel off the Iverson logo and eat it. So it was recalled due to the choking hazard. Once again, aren’t these parents a little over eager if they are buying their toddler designer shoewear? Iverson shoes? Toddler’s have enough trouble walking without falling on their face, are basketball shoes really the answer? And if you feed your child they will not have to resort to eating their apparel.
The Batman Batmobile, a toy that I had as a kid was recalled due to the rear tail wings which are made of plastic. Authorities say this poses a lac-er-a-tion hazard or a puncture problem. Please!! It makes me wonder how they test for these things. Are kids placed in a room with random toys, and monitored to see who gets injured first? Is it just chaos? Isn’t the goal to have fun playing with toys? I just don’t understand.
But I’ll bet it starts when the kid takes a football in the face, another kid chokes on his shoelace from the disbelief of seeing a great shot. In the meantime batman didn’t check his blind spot while backing up too fast.
All in all there were 11 toy-related deaths in 2003 according to USA TODAY. And I believe these tragic situations adhere to my natural selection theory. I know it may be cruel and heartless to believe that because these unfortunate infants kicked the bucket prematurely. But let me read you the formal definition of natural selection. “A natural process resulting in the evolution of organisms best adapted to the environment.” If your child cannot adapt to a controlled environment with toys intended for entertainment. Maybe your child isn’t suited for this whole “life” thing. Hey, no one is good at everything, right? So if your child cannot discover that everything is not food “naturally”, or you can’t adapt to avoid that toddler with an arm, maybe you should help us serve as a statistic and helping other kids not have toys for Christmas.
OK, it's Andrew again. I think this little problem falls under the same category as M.A.D.D. or "Mothers Against Drunk Driving." I think it would be more accurately described as "Mothers of Children Who Don't Look Both Ways Before Crossing the Street." I also hate those stupid signs that look like a little glow-in-the-dark child that remind people of the speed limit in their own neighborhood. They practically declare to the world that they are parents who allow their children to play IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Keep an eye on your kids, stupid, and don't get all weepy on me when your child jumps in front of a school bus and gets killed because someone "didn't see the little plastic sign." Watch your own kids and take responsibility for your actions. I promise to AIM FOR YOUR KIDS if I ever see them on the road.
posted by Vaughan at
6:17 PM
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