Panera Bread

Yesterday, I finally broke the streak I had going when my mom forced me to eat lunch at Panera Bread. So far, I'd survived in the wild all by my lonesome without ever having actually eaten at Panera. Like I said, that streak was broken as of yesterday. As soon as I walked in, I knew I didn't belong there. The first person I saw standing in line was this stereotypical "coffee house guy." He was wearing leather shoes, boot cut jeans, a flowery long sleeve button-down shirt, black square-rimmed glasses, and had a trendy spiky haircut. It really freaked me out to see that. Then, I ordered.

I got a bowl of French onion soup and half a turkey bacon sandwich. I don't think it's possible for me to feel any more emasculated than I did at that moment. And if that wasn't enough, I stood at the end of their little sandwich assembly line and waited for my food. I swear to you, on all that is holy, those two guys handing out the sandwiches... well, let's just say they probably wouldn't be interested in the hot cash register girl. Mainly because they didn't look like they'd like "her type" (i.e. "someone with no y chromosome"). Yep, they were gayer than a three dollar bill. No there's a phrase I don't understand at all. What exactly is it about a three dollar bill that makes it gay? It couldn't be that it doesn't exist, because there are gay people all over the place. Oh well.

The next thing I noticed is that there was an extraordinarily fat woman rummaging around the pile of newspapers sitting by our table. After a few minutes of cutting out coupons, the fat woman up and left the restaurant! Later, my brother and sister pointed out to me that she had, in fact, just walked in before making a beeline for the newspapers. The woman stole coupons. That's about as pathetic as it gets. I thought I'd only see something like that in a poor neighborhood in Southern California, but not in Colorado Springs.

I've got an idea. Instead of, you know, trying to "help" poor people by forcing them to depend on the government to bail them out, we should just have a mid-century house cleaning and kill every one of them. Every fifty years, we could just take the people whose income is in the lowest ten percent, and chop their heads off. Then, they could be used as an inexpensive source of meat for the next lowest ten percent. Let's face it, those people are going to need all the help they can get for the next fifty years. To compensate for the loss in pure population, we'd just have to force all those blue-staters to start having kids. That should more than make up for it.