I Don't Want To Jinx It, But...
I might get my big break at the Scribe next year. I'm looking at the possibility of my very own column. The only trouble is, a lot of the stuff I've written so far (here, anyway) isn't exactly PC enough for public consumption. I'll have to watch my footing very carefully. Meantime, I'm putting up my first column. Here it is:
"Being a freshman in college can be rough, as many of you already know. You miss your own bed, you don’t know anyone on campus, you only know how to cook Hot Pockets and Pizza Hut, and you’re already tired of talking about the stupid major your parents made you choose. Everyone on campus has been there at one point. The one factor that dwarfs all the others by comparison, however, is one that some college students may never know: going to school out of state. While there aren’t as many out-of-staters at UCCS, they still deserve their recognition. In honor of them, I’ve compiled a list of interesting things about Colorado Springs that you may or may not (yes, those are the only two choices) find useful.
1. There are less than 600,000 people in the entire city. 450,000 of them are originally from California. I am one of them. We were forced to leave when a giant volcano rose up in the middle of downtown Los Angeles. If it weren’t for Tommy Lee Jones, we’d all be dead.
2. You may hear many references to Garden of the Gods. It’s not what you think. It’s just a bunch of huge rocks. Yes, that’s right. Apparently, the gods were idiots.
3. The elevation is over 6,000 feet. Alcohol is much more potent here because of that. Just FYI.
4. Famous people who are from, or have heard of, Colorado Springs: Michael Jordan, Tom Hanks, Sean Connery, Teddy Roosevelt, Brad Pitt, William Faulkner, Jesus.
5. Some of the greatest skiing in the world is just a short drive away, but then again, so is Pueblo.
6. I can’t verify it, but I have it on good authority that we invented snow.
7. People come to Colorado from all over the world, only to never set foot in Colorado Springs. Hey, we’re cool like that.
8. In this city, the words “stop” and “yield” are interchangeable.
9. We don’t have “freeways.” We have “The Interstate” (insert dramatic pause here), and if it gets backed up or shut down, you may as well kill yourself, ‘cause you’re not going anywhere.
10. If you can’t see a church from where you’re standing, just walk ten feet and look again.
11. If you order a Coke, you won’t be asked, “What kind?” You’ll get a Coca-Cola. If you order pop, your server will have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s soda.
The author admits to exaggerating on almost everything he ever says, and has never actually met Tommy Lee Jones. He does, however, swear that he once saw Eric Idle at his church."
What do you think?
Update: I just found out a few hours ago that I got the column. Woohoo!
"Being a freshman in college can be rough, as many of you already know. You miss your own bed, you don’t know anyone on campus, you only know how to cook Hot Pockets and Pizza Hut, and you’re already tired of talking about the stupid major your parents made you choose. Everyone on campus has been there at one point. The one factor that dwarfs all the others by comparison, however, is one that some college students may never know: going to school out of state. While there aren’t as many out-of-staters at UCCS, they still deserve their recognition. In honor of them, I’ve compiled a list of interesting things about Colorado Springs that you may or may not (yes, those are the only two choices) find useful.
1. There are less than 600,000 people in the entire city. 450,000 of them are originally from California. I am one of them. We were forced to leave when a giant volcano rose up in the middle of downtown Los Angeles. If it weren’t for Tommy Lee Jones, we’d all be dead.
2. You may hear many references to Garden of the Gods. It’s not what you think. It’s just a bunch of huge rocks. Yes, that’s right. Apparently, the gods were idiots.
3. The elevation is over 6,000 feet. Alcohol is much more potent here because of that. Just FYI.
4. Famous people who are from, or have heard of, Colorado Springs: Michael Jordan, Tom Hanks, Sean Connery, Teddy Roosevelt, Brad Pitt, William Faulkner, Jesus.
5. Some of the greatest skiing in the world is just a short drive away, but then again, so is Pueblo.
6. I can’t verify it, but I have it on good authority that we invented snow.
7. People come to Colorado from all over the world, only to never set foot in Colorado Springs. Hey, we’re cool like that.
8. In this city, the words “stop” and “yield” are interchangeable.
9. We don’t have “freeways.” We have “The Interstate” (insert dramatic pause here), and if it gets backed up or shut down, you may as well kill yourself, ‘cause you’re not going anywhere.
10. If you can’t see a church from where you’re standing, just walk ten feet and look again.
11. If you order a Coke, you won’t be asked, “What kind?” You’ll get a Coca-Cola. If you order pop, your server will have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s soda.
The author admits to exaggerating on almost everything he ever says, and has never actually met Tommy Lee Jones. He does, however, swear that he once saw Eric Idle at his church."
What do you think?
Update: I just found out a few hours ago that I got the column. Woohoo!
posted by Vaughan at
4:07 PM
2 Comments:
Thanks, Beth. The humor part was actually my main goal for the column, and I knew I wasn't going to be given any awards for tolerance or political correctness when I signed on for this thing. I just have to make sure I write stuff that's still printable and won't get a brick thrown through my window.
Yay for you andrew!!! I never had a doubt :) And THANKS for keeping me entertained at work...you're a life-saver. So am i gonna see you at all this summer??? Hmmmmmm?
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