A Religion Made Up By A Science Fiction Writer

I got curious the other day, and did a little research on Tom Cruise's fake celebrity religion, Scientology. It's the single most staggeringly retarded "religion" I've ever heard of, and that's including Mormonism, Jediism, and that crazy beekeeping cult I started in the summer of '97. It was started in the 50's by a science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard. Basically, they believe that every one of us has a little alien living inside us, and we can become "clear" once we've learned how to "confront" the alien.

They start you off with basic mind-numbing excercises, the point of which is simply to lower your mental defenses against certain ludicrous suggestions. In some levels of the training, you are told to sit still for hours while being read passages from "Through the Looking Glass," by Lewis Carroll (I swear I'm not making this up), during which time you are not allowed to twitch, move your eyes, speak, or laugh. When you get high enough into the cycles of mind control (known as "auditing"), you are told the basic concept behind the cult: many years ago, some horribly evil alien gathered a bunch of other aliens together from all over the galaxy and stuck them all on Earth. Then, in a horrific plot reminiscent of pretty much every Sci-Fi B-movie from the 1950's, he killed all of them with a bunch of hydrogen bombs.

The absurdity of the previous few sentences just hit me anew. There isn't enough pot in the world to make that sound like a viable religious tenet. Do you hear me, Tom Cruise?! The dirt-worshipping heathens native to North America have religious beliefs that make ten times more sense than yours! One day, when either Jesus comes back in His glorious reappearing, or when all the Scientologists die, they're going to be standing in line at the gates of hell, wondering what this weird place is. There'll be a sign hanging over the worst section of hell, and it will read: "For the idiots who believed in aliens." I bet they'll be feeling pretty stupid right about then; even more so than the atheists, who are really just self-deluding agnostics, anyway.

Any respect I may have had for Tom Cruise prior to finding out what I now know about Scientology has just gone completely out the window. Guess what, jackass. You're stupider than those people who have to wear a bib and helmet to dinner. The day when Scientologists are sniffed out and burned at the stake (for the crime of being stupid beyond saving) cannot come soon enough.