Sneak Peeks
Who exactly do DVD manufacturers think they're fooling by calling the regular theatrical trailers on a DVD "sneak peeks?" Suddenly, they're not just previews or trailers anymore. Suddenly, we're being given a sneak peek into the future. It's a movie about which NO ONE ELSE KNOWS! Isn't that amazing? Those nice people at Paramount Home Video think so highly of my opinion on what new movies are going to come out, they actually rigged the one DVD they knew I'd rent so I could catch a few sneak peeks! What a privilege! What an honor! I'm so happy I think I just crapped my pants! Give me a break. There's no one sneaking into the studios late at night, sifting through the thousands of yards of film in the editing rooms, and splicing together a special trailer just for you and your friends to see in an exclusive new sneak peek. Besides, with all the pure crap that's coming out of the Hollywood system nowadays, I wouldn't want a sneak peek if they paid me. I mean, jeez. Look at some of the stuff we've had to suffer through:
"The Honeymooners"- They're black. That doesn't make any sense. That's like TBS making a new show called "The Real Gilligan's Island" and bringing on a black professor. Oh, wait. THEY DID.
"House of Wax"- While I will readily admit that wax is by far the scariest of the partially-natural, mostly-watertight, clear, semi-plasticine psuedo-solids, it's not nearly scary enough to warrant me getting up off the couch and watching some guy kill off the worst actors of our time in a single two-hour span.
"White Chicks"- It's like some 400-pound executive said, "What are the two things these least famous of the Wayans brothers aren't?" And the answer was this exceptionally revolting turd.
"Farhenheit 9/11"- Calling this smelly secretion "a real movie" is kind of like calling the Hanoi Hilton "a real hotel." It's an insult to both real hotels and real movies everywhere.
But I digress. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Sneak peeks. When will the studios finally realize that even small kids are miniature film critics? They can smell a publicity stunt a mile away. It's obvious that there's nothing "sneak" about these "peaks," and everybody knows it. Get off your high horses and come spend time with the common folk, you jackasses.
"The Honeymooners"- They're black. That doesn't make any sense. That's like TBS making a new show called "The Real Gilligan's Island" and bringing on a black professor. Oh, wait. THEY DID.
"House of Wax"- While I will readily admit that wax is by far the scariest of the partially-natural, mostly-watertight, clear, semi-plasticine psuedo-solids, it's not nearly scary enough to warrant me getting up off the couch and watching some guy kill off the worst actors of our time in a single two-hour span.
"White Chicks"- It's like some 400-pound executive said, "What are the two things these least famous of the Wayans brothers aren't?" And the answer was this exceptionally revolting turd.
"Farhenheit 9/11"- Calling this smelly secretion "a real movie" is kind of like calling the Hanoi Hilton "a real hotel." It's an insult to both real hotels and real movies everywhere.
But I digress. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Sneak peeks. When will the studios finally realize that even small kids are miniature film critics? They can smell a publicity stunt a mile away. It's obvious that there's nothing "sneak" about these "peaks," and everybody knows it. Get off your high horses and come spend time with the common folk, you jackasses.
posted by Vaughan at
12:06 PM
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