People Watching In Denver

I went up to the Colorado Mills Mall in Denver/Golden today, and I had an opportunity to wander around people-watching for about an hour and a half. It was awesome. Mallrats are so funny when they think no one is watching them. I saw an obese forty-year-old nerd walk out of a comic book store with an unusually guilty look on his face. Either he'd just stolen something or he'd gotten a little too "friendly" with some of the more... ehem... mature comics. Either way, the guy didn't appear to be too proud of himself. Later, I saw a jackass emo punk with a huge nine-foot-high mowhawk and clown shoes. He wasn't doing anything funny, but being an emo jackass, did he really have to? One thing I didn't expect to see that much was mall security. In the course of ninety minutes, I saw just about 20 mall security guards, 17 of whom were younger than me. Apparently the great after-high-school tradition of north Denver is to graduate from your local retard factory and immediately skip college, going directly to a completely unnecessary blue collar job telling fourteen-year-olds not to run, living in a Mini-Winni, and coming home to a wife with six teeth and 37 adopted Cambodian children. Ah, the American Dream. With faithful security guards living a cushy life like that, it's no wonder the terrorists hate us. They must be jealous of SPAM. I mean, who wouldn't be? It's breakfast, it's dinner, it's a sandwich, it's a side dish, it makes an efficient enema, it'll babysit your kids. You can't go wrong with SPAM, my friend.