Pure Gold

I just finished up ten days of my grandparents and one of my aunts staying at our house. It was quite an... interesting time. All I can say is that I'm quite thankful that aunt Debbie was there to help us... cope with grampa. I love the guy to pieces, but sometimes, it's kind of difficult to be around him for extended periods of time. One thing that I really liked about their visit was the fact that nearly everything that came out of my grampa's mouth was pure comedic gold. Oh, not because he's a funny guy. Actually, it's because he has no sense of propriety. If he wants to say something to someone, by gum, he's going to say it, NO MATTER WHAT. Here's a short list of just a few examples of funny things that he did and said this week:

(To my dad, his son, who WORKS FOR A PUBLISHING COMPANY) "You know you have to SELL books to make money from them." I'm sure dad needed that little tidbit of insider info, grampa.

(After seeing the interracial marriage at the end of "Napoleon Dynamite") "Why's a white marrying a black?" Later, he said that it was unbiblical for "the kinds" to intermarry.

"I do my best thinking when I'm asleep. At least, I think I'm asleep."

"Psychology and Sociology? Oh, I majored in those." (He didn't.)

Out of the blue, in the middle of the sermon at church, he turned to me and YELLED, "How long does it take you to drive to school?"

After explaining to me, in excruciating detail, the kinds of infections you can get, he proceeded to clean a layer of grime out from under his toenails. ONTO THE FAMILY ROOM CARPET. "That's just something that happens when you get old." No, that's just something that happens when you neglect your personal hiegene regimen for a few weeks.

"Whose Norelco Reflex Plus?" Rubs his hands all over my face. "Oh, it's yours."

(At the drive-thru at Taco Bell. He actually got out of the car, walked around, and stood between my mom and the window to pay.) "Do you give a senior discount? Well, they do in California."

He tried to convince me that you can buy what he called "store brand Clamato" in a grocery store. No, sir. No more than you can buy "store brand Pepsi" or "store brand Toyotas." It's a registered freakin' trademark.

It was a lot of fun writing things down after grampa said them. Every day, I heard something else that I thought was hilarious, but a lot of the time, I didn't have any way to record what had happened. I think I need to carry around my digital voice recorder EVERYWHERE from now on, just in case.