I Am Better Than Celebrities

Most people who know me in real life don't take advantage of that fact nearly enough. Why? Because I'm just plain better than celebrities. Sure, they can try and match me by starring in their little "movies," but they'll never come close to my awesome awesomeness. Let me tell you what I mean. I'm taller than Mel Gibson. By several inches. There are probably things in Mel's OWN HOUSE that are too high for him to reach. I could reach them, though. This clearly makes me better than Mel Gibson. Stupid short little tiny man. I'm also stronger than some celebrities. I could beat Dakota Fanning in an arm wrestling contest EVERY TIME. No joke. She wouldn't even stand a chance. I'm smarter than Scarlett Johanssen. I bet she can barely spell her own name. I would beat her in a spelling bee by like a billion points. For seriously. And the list goes on. I can run way faster than Stephen Hawking, I can kick a ball way farther than Kelly Clarkson, I can jump higher than Vern Troyer, I can speak with a better American accent than Naomi Watts, and I can count marbles faster than Sean Penn. Celebrities ain't got nuthin on me. I am all that is man.