A New Semester Begins

Another year, another set of crazy individuals to make fun of. This go-around, I got some really good ones. In one class, there's a guy who looks and sounds just like John Malkovich. I swear. I want to ask him to say "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Con Air" one of these days. In that same class, there's this other guy who looks a bit like Truman Capote. Funny thing is, it's a creative nonfiction class. That's like having a guy who looks like Walt Whitman in your free verse poetry class. And, what's better, he's hilarious. Oh, not in any sort of intentional way. He spet ten minutes talking to the class about why he's a math major. He could have just said because he plays Magic: The Gathering in his parents' basement, and society has pigeonholed him. He did not. It was something to the effect of, "People don't realize that technology is a tool, not a crutch. So many students nowdays can't do even basic mathematical calculations. I, however, can calculate my odds of ever having sex and/or touching a boobie. And I have. And they are zero." Actually, I'm wrong. That's not the gist. That's pretty much what he said verbatim.

In another class, I have a prof who does a perfect impression of Ben Stein. Except he's not trying to do an impression. He's my persuasion professor. He claims to hold the dubious distinction of being one of the only people ever to be thrown off a used car lot because of his "shrewd" negotiation skills. I think he may have been drunk during class. Oops. That's not what I meant. I was trying to say I think I need to be drunk during class in order to survive the semester. That oughta be fun.

My male/female communication professor is a hoot. That's right. I said a hoot. She's an actress, and I think she may also be bipolar. But that's neither here nor there. You know when somebody who doesn't have a very developed sense of humor punctuates a joke by inhaling loudly at the end of a sentence? She did that more often than Gallagher and Robin Williams combined. You know what I'm talking about.

Also beginning this semester, I'm not a copy editor at The Scribe anymore. I'm a section editor. I got the opinion section. Sweet, huh? Don't cross me, or you just might find a whole column devoted to how much you suck and how you're totally gay. And then forty whole people will know about it.