For Seriously

This is actually what I had in mind when I originally began writing all the reasons I'm better than my lady fans' current boyfriends.

I've been told several times over the course of a week that I'd make good marriage material. Now, not to impugn the word of all my beautiful female friends, but I think that's a giant, stanky, steaming load of donkey shit. Do you know what kind of father I'd make? I'm the kind of guy who would teach his children the alphabet incorrectly just to laugh at them after their first day of kindergarten. I would tell them horrific bedtime stories, and then tell them they'll come true if they ever eat mayonnaise in my house. I would refuse to let them eat dinner until they can guess what movie I'm quoting. I tell dead baby jokes. And I laugh at them. Right in front of babies.

OK, so maybe none of that is actually true, but I just don't get this whole marriage material thing. What you're really saying when you tell me that is, "I definitely don't want to date you now, but let me try and make you feel better by telling you that someone will want to date and marry you someday." That's about as encouraging as, "Well, at least you're not dead right now." Thanks a lot. I feel so encouraged and not at all patronized.

Seriously, I'd like to know, is there something fundamentally undatable about me? Is it my looks, my height, my sense of humor, my inability to stand any closer than about eighteen inches to anyone, my weird laugh, the fact that I hate French people, my politics, my hatred of stupidity, my love of chicken fried steak, or just my general "if you look at me wrong I'll probably set you on fire and play with your carcas" outlook on life? I want to know.