Reasons I'm Better Than Your Boyfriend
(OK men, let me spell it out just in case the title didn't explain it clearly enough. This post isn't for you. Feel free to read it, but know that you're not going to get anything from it.) Valentine's Day is nearly upon us, and that means I've got something to say. I'm not going to bash on it this time (you can read my column for this week in the Scribe for that). Instead, I'm just going to delve deep, DEEP into Andrew. Maybe I'll pull out some things the ladies love. Or maybe they'll just like them. Who knows? OK, let's go down the rabbit hole together. Take my hand...
1. I can fit like six whole Oreos in my mouth. Seriously. And not those sissy regular ones. I'm talking Double Stuf here.
2. I have a really high tolerance for pain. I can take a punch to the shin and BARELY FEEL IT. I can hold my hand over a semi-hot stovetop for like nine seconds. Your boyfriend's a bitch compared to me.
3. I'm smart. I got into the freakin' University of Colorado. That's like the third most prestigious university in the county. Or maybe city.
4. I'm a natural brunette. Blonde guys are gay. And that's a scientific fact.
5. I can lift a whole suitcase right over my head WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
6. I can speak one and a half languages. Counting English.
7. I have an awesome hot air balloon collection. I bet it's way better than your boyfriend's. Oh wait. He doesn't have one.
8. I can see in a room lit by only like eight lumens. That's way dark.
9. I went to an intensive college preparatory school where we got the in-depth, personalized attention we deserved. And plus, we got to color pretty maps in Honors World History. Can your stupid, whiney, emo jackass boyfriend color? I'll color circles around him with his tight women's pants and Payless black-and-white checkered shoes.
10. I have the lung capacity of an Olympic archer.
11. I can put together puzzles really quickly.
12. I once ran a mile WITHOUT STOPPING.
I think I proved my point.
1. I can fit like six whole Oreos in my mouth. Seriously. And not those sissy regular ones. I'm talking Double Stuf here.
2. I have a really high tolerance for pain. I can take a punch to the shin and BARELY FEEL IT. I can hold my hand over a semi-hot stovetop for like nine seconds. Your boyfriend's a bitch compared to me.
3. I'm smart. I got into the freakin' University of Colorado. That's like the third most prestigious university in the county. Or maybe city.
4. I'm a natural brunette. Blonde guys are gay. And that's a scientific fact.
5. I can lift a whole suitcase right over my head WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.
6. I can speak one and a half languages. Counting English.
7. I have an awesome hot air balloon collection. I bet it's way better than your boyfriend's. Oh wait. He doesn't have one.
8. I can see in a room lit by only like eight lumens. That's way dark.
9. I went to an intensive college preparatory school where we got the in-depth, personalized attention we deserved. And plus, we got to color pretty maps in Honors World History. Can your stupid, whiney, emo jackass boyfriend color? I'll color circles around him with his tight women's pants and Payless black-and-white checkered shoes.
10. I have the lung capacity of an Olympic archer.
11. I can put together puzzles really quickly.
12. I once ran a mile WITHOUT STOPPING.
I think I proved my point.
posted by Vaughan at
9:54 PM
1 Comments:
Yo Pete,
You are freakin' sweet! Six Oreos, dang! I want to be like you when I grow up.
-Zach
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home