It's Still Hockey
So the NHL's back. La-dee-frickin-da. Apparently, they're trying to woo hockey fans back with a few changed rules. Let me be the first to tell you, NHL, that the rules of the game weren't the reason you only had forty people watching televised games. During the playoffs. No, the reason no one cares about your stupid sport is that it's lamer than Stephen Hawking with a broken foot. I've come up with a few suggestions on my own. Here's just a couple things the NHL could do to pique my interest:
1. Require Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst, and Salma Hayek to play. In every game. The whole time.
2. Guarantee that two or more players will die in each game.
3. Give out free hundred-dollar bills to every spectator, and free bags of gold and a king size Snickers bar to every person watching it on tv.
4. Instead of a puck, use a Democrat. Or an art major. Or anybody who wears crocs.
5. Make everyone play one period of their choice barefoot.
6. Two words: more explosions.
7. Four more words: shark tank penalty box.
8. For every goal scored, destroy a city in France.
9. Let those two old guys from the Muppet Show ref a couple games.
10. Get all the players drunk off their asses before the games.
11. Broadcast ANY SPORT BESIDES HOCKEY.
12. Give out free time machines. Until this request can be fulfilled, I refuse to watch. And even afterward, I'd only give it a 50/50 shot.
13. Change the name of the sport to Andrewball.
14. Integrate the Zamboni into the actual gameplay.
So there you go. If the NHL would just follow one or two or all of these rules, it would make for a sport that is not only tolerable, it's downright kinda sorta OK to watch.
1. Require Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst, and Salma Hayek to play. In every game. The whole time.
2. Guarantee that two or more players will die in each game.
3. Give out free hundred-dollar bills to every spectator, and free bags of gold and a king size Snickers bar to every person watching it on tv.
4. Instead of a puck, use a Democrat. Or an art major. Or anybody who wears crocs.
5. Make everyone play one period of their choice barefoot.
6. Two words: more explosions.
7. Four more words: shark tank penalty box.
8. For every goal scored, destroy a city in France.
9. Let those two old guys from the Muppet Show ref a couple games.
10. Get all the players drunk off their asses before the games.
11. Broadcast ANY SPORT BESIDES HOCKEY.
12. Give out free time machines. Until this request can be fulfilled, I refuse to watch. And even afterward, I'd only give it a 50/50 shot.
13. Change the name of the sport to Andrewball.
14. Integrate the Zamboni into the actual gameplay.
So there you go. If the NHL would just follow one or two or all of these rules, it would make for a sport that is not only tolerable, it's downright kinda sorta OK to watch.
posted by Vaughan at
9:04 PM
5 Comments:
Jon, I guess I didn't make myself clear in the post. The reason I don't watch hockey is BECAUSE it sucks. It doesn't automatically suck because I hate it. I hate it because it sucks. Get it?
Howdy Pete,
I am in agreement with you. I would rather watch paint dry, eat bologna, listen to Barbara Streisand, cut my nails, run a marathon blindfolded and backward, or date your sister than watch these old men, who want excessive amounts of money, attempt to be graceful with thick pads and sticks in their hands. Do I wear a pad? Heck No! Pads are for girls. I would equate pro wrestling with hockey. Men trying to strike each other, then after the event they are buddy-buddy. It is all an act. I do not need money to fight someone. I am a freakin' badass fighter just waiting to flip-out. Just yesterday I had to fight ten people, why? I fought them because they looked at me with distain (yeah, I won). Hockey sucks. Adolescent boys can do much better things with their time like kill things, eat mud, and explore uncharted regions of the world. I will continue to be as bad as I want to be; I do not need to vicariously live my life through some dude on skates. Take it from me… Hockey is Lame.
Sincerely,
-Zachary Huston
Rotglmao! Zach, that was hilarious. Thank you for that contribution. You should really post more on your own blog. Actually, scratch that. Change it to "you should post PERIOD on your blog." But anyway, thanks for the input.
Hey Pete,
I have a confession to make... I am going to a hockey game tonight. Ouch! "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Yeah, I am still a little fuzzy with this issue; how did I get suckered into this deal? I do not know all the underlying details but it had something to do with a girl. I am confused. Pete, please help the mindless people like myself. We do not know how to decipher what is good or bad. We are zombies with a lack of blood flowing to the brain. Pete, I speak for many lost souls, please help!
Sincerely,
-Zachary Huston
Well, Zach, I am of the opinion that anything is permissible if it's for a girl. Ok, maybe not ANYTHING, but anything within reason. I'd say going to hockey game with a girl is not onlu alright, it's pretty nice. I wish I had a girl to drag me to hockey games...
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