A Rose By Any Other Name

You know what the classical composer's problem was? It wasn't that they wrote boring music. Far from it. They just came up with the boringest-ass titles in the world. (I know that's not a word. Relax.) Who wants to listen to a song that's titled "Toccata in D Minor"? That's not an attention-grabbing title at all. Mr Bach should have called it "Kicking Some Ass on a Wing and a Prayer." That's how you sell records. But no. Classical composers just titled their songs as basically a description of them. That just doesn't work. Can you imagine buying a Ford "Rack and pinion with optional rear cupholders"? I don't think so. Or how 'bout a Suzuki "Manual transmission with electronic all-wheel-drive"? Hells no. No one wants a straight-up description of what they're getting. They want cool, animal-related names like La Tigra and Cobra Kai and Scorpio and Air Bladder... People actually like classical music. They know more about it than they realize; they just don't admit it to themselves. What really throws most people is the crappy titles. If the Black Eyed Peas released a song titled "Black Eyed Peas' Fifth Song," there would be riots in the streets, the sky would rain fire, and our water would turn to blood. No one would by an album with a song like that on it. Beethoven may have been a genius, but he didn't know jack about marketing.