You Toucha My Bubble, I Breaka You Face
As some of you may know, and as others may not know and probably don't care at all (in that case, why are you reading this in the first place?), I happen to have a much larger personal space bubble than do most others. If you come too close to me, I'll either move away or tell you right to your face that you need to step back. I had a couple incidents happen to me this weekend in which I was reminded of my unusually large personal space bubble.
On Saturday, I tried to return a gift card to King Soopers. It was a gift card for AMC Theaters, and there aren't any in the area, so I wanted to just return it and get the cash. After talking with three separate King Soopers employees, I made the unfortunate discovery that those particular gift cards cannot be returned or redeemed for cash. The only problem with this system is the fact that one single King Soopers employee can ruin the whole thing by falsely telling the person who bought the card that the recipient can return it if he or she so chooses. Not true. Once the card's activated, there ain't a thing you can do about it. I asked to speak to a manager, and this short, stocky, angry-looking gremlin of a woman waddled over to me and got about 4 inches from my face to explain the system one more time. "How can you justify selling an unreturnable item with a gift receipt?" I asked. "The whole point of a gift receipt is to make returning the item easier for the recipient of the gift. It serves no purpose if the gift cannot be returned." This troll looked at me as if I'd just tried to explain to her my very own version of a modern Unified Field Theory. I think I spoke too fast. She probably wasn't prepared for all those two-syllable words in a row. The worst part was the fact that her stanky fish breath was fogging up my glasses with how close her stupid face was to me. I had to take a shower when I got home just to get the stench of failure and self-loathing she exuded off me.
Today, I went to New Life Church to see Charles Colson speak. I don't care for New Life Church. They've got theological holes in their policies Ted Kennedy could fit through. But I digress. We happened to be there on communion Sunday, and we all had to get up and walk to the back of the church to pick up the elements. As I walked next to my sister in line, I reached behind my back to adjust my shirt, and my hand collided with the belt buckle belonging to the guy behind me. You have to understand this means that he was standing no more than two inches from me. I'd never met the guy before, and it wasn't like we were exactly squished together in line. He was just way too close to me. That's all there is to it. I was creeped out for the rest of the service, barely able to concentrate on anything but the fact that the guy sitting to my right had no problem with standing close enough to me to actually constitute sodomy in seventeen states.
On Saturday, I tried to return a gift card to King Soopers. It was a gift card for AMC Theaters, and there aren't any in the area, so I wanted to just return it and get the cash. After talking with three separate King Soopers employees, I made the unfortunate discovery that those particular gift cards cannot be returned or redeemed for cash. The only problem with this system is the fact that one single King Soopers employee can ruin the whole thing by falsely telling the person who bought the card that the recipient can return it if he or she so chooses. Not true. Once the card's activated, there ain't a thing you can do about it. I asked to speak to a manager, and this short, stocky, angry-looking gremlin of a woman waddled over to me and got about 4 inches from my face to explain the system one more time. "How can you justify selling an unreturnable item with a gift receipt?" I asked. "The whole point of a gift receipt is to make returning the item easier for the recipient of the gift. It serves no purpose if the gift cannot be returned." This troll looked at me as if I'd just tried to explain to her my very own version of a modern Unified Field Theory. I think I spoke too fast. She probably wasn't prepared for all those two-syllable words in a row. The worst part was the fact that her stanky fish breath was fogging up my glasses with how close her stupid face was to me. I had to take a shower when I got home just to get the stench of failure and self-loathing she exuded off me.
Today, I went to New Life Church to see Charles Colson speak. I don't care for New Life Church. They've got theological holes in their policies Ted Kennedy could fit through. But I digress. We happened to be there on communion Sunday, and we all had to get up and walk to the back of the church to pick up the elements. As I walked next to my sister in line, I reached behind my back to adjust my shirt, and my hand collided with the belt buckle belonging to the guy behind me. You have to understand this means that he was standing no more than two inches from me. I'd never met the guy before, and it wasn't like we were exactly squished together in line. He was just way too close to me. That's all there is to it. I was creeped out for the rest of the service, barely able to concentrate on anything but the fact that the guy sitting to my right had no problem with standing close enough to me to actually constitute sodomy in seventeen states.
posted by Vaughan at
5:44 PM
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